I need some advice and no harsh words because i didn't post to be judged, So I've been married for 5 years and with my husband for 7. We have a daughter thats 4 as of today 🥰..anyways to make a long story short, When he got into the military he started to find himself and hung around guys his age that introduced him to things that he wasn't use to. Ive caught him in the past on back page and using fake numbers to talk to females. I've tried to divorce him on numerous occasions and we always ended up working things out and going to counseling. which obviously didn't work. This shit went on literally our whole marriage. so, last year he left to san diego for training and came back on our daughter's birthday. I found out days later that while he was away he slept with a girl he met at a bar. From the moment i found out up until april was a shit show..i also found out 2 weeks after that i was pregnant but we lost her in april. I can admit that the baby leveled things out but for me it wasn't the glue to the situation..because he slept with someone...I made that very clear to him that he was still getting left..he begged me for counseling, changed his number so the girl would stop calling and so many other things but im just not having it...we did one session of counseling and for me it was to finally let him know how i felt and yes i waited until counseling because his communication is trash but she fixed that lol. He said alot of things that i just don't feel is genuine..He's been trying but im just not feeling it. I talk to family and friends and they tell me its nothing wrong with workout my marriage BUT it just doesn't sit right with me to still be with somebody who did this to me..i never cheated or entertained a man..all of his deployments and undrways and so on i did what i felt was the right thing to do. And as time goes on i find myself hating him more and more, he bought me a house (built brand new) and many other things but i just cant move past the fact that he cheated...I can be woman enough to admit that i want a divorce, but im not ready to do it..not because of love but stability and with everything ging on it makes me scared to go through ANOTHER stressful situation...my mental health has been hard for me to handle since losing the baby, i was diagnosed with PTSD and sever anxiety panic disorder..I've been to the ER over 40 times this year for anxiety and its bad sometimes that i cant pull myself to take care of our daughter..i have no family where i live and im in Nursing school..my stress level is through the roof...I can't move past what he did..i always think about it and i treat him so bad but i feel like he deserves it. I feel stupid and played...i feel like he got a slap on the hand for something so serious and i just want him to hurt like ive been..he got to go to California..fuck off, get caught, and still hasn't faced a consequence for his actions...not even for the stuff he has done in the past..but I make sure him and our daughter are good, i cook when im feeling good enough to, clean, in Nursing school full time and everyday is a battle because of anxiety. Idk, now i just feel like im rambling but im scared to take that leap and be done...Will i be okay? I planned to divorce him after i graduate because right now is simply not a good time but as the days go by i hate him more and more..i dont want him touching me, kissing me, nothing and he always tries to show me affection and tells me how sorry he is and how much he loves me but im not convinced...its not even about the affair, its the shit that came with it..he made this girl feel special and they had sex literally 4 days before he came home..she was texting him all kind of shit about fighting for him and stuff smh...i dont want to go into anymore details about that but i just need some advice because im ready to jump ship