TW Ectopic Pregnancy. My Story..Still NO BFP

Sorry this post is soooooo long!!

yesterday was my 27th birthday and Honestly I’m just getting tired, I’m getting depressed, I’m getting frustrated and I’m feeling defeated. All I want is to be a mom! So I’ve decided to stop crying and make a post sharing how I lost my first baby...

When my ex disappeared after we found out she was pregnant, it destroyed me. I couldn’t see children or babies, I couldn’t watch tv or movies . I just stayed in a box.

I really thought my time had come. Finally going to be a mother. But no. She left. She left and I just didn’t hear from her for almost a year. But when I finally did hear from her she told me she had an ectopic pregnancy. She claimed I was never going to be the mother anyways and said so many hurtful things leading up to her disapprearing,

for 10 years we were on and off, for about 8 of those years (starting at age like 15 or 16) all I did was try to get pregnant for US. All she wanted was a baby. So I slept with almost any man that would show me attention, All I wanted was a child. But our toxic relationship was so toxic and we were trying the wrong way. It just never happened.

Then in 2018 we finally got our BFP! On the first try!! But not from me, from her. I was confused. She didn’t even like guys, but she met someone in the mental hospital and behind my back THEY decided they wanted to start a family together. They would have me be the other mother.

she wouldn’t tell me at first. I had to buy tests because I knew she was pregnant. The symptoms were all there. I didn’t even know they had already started trying.

At first we I was pissed. But then she said she did it for me. For us. I was finally happy but still felt betrayed, then within that first month of me knowing, she just treated me like dirt. Saying horribly mean things like she was just using me all those years and I would be a piece of shit mom and why would I believe she would want me to have anything to do with her child. Just evil stuff like that.

Our relationship was so unhealthy. She was verbally and physically abusive. She cheated the whole 10 years and never claimed me. and I spent most of my time in and out of the hospital. Over dosing and cutting all the time.

I believe that is why Baby Rudy just didn’t get to be born...

Fast forward... to now. I’m with my fiancé and I am happy. But still struggling with not having my own child and losing the baby I thought I’d have with her.

My fiancé and I have been trying for two year now and still no bfp. Sometimes I just don’t think my time will ever come.....But he is very hopeful and very supportive and says we WILL adopt if we never get our BFP. I love him so much for that and I’m truly grateful for him.

It’s gotten a lot easier to see children and pregnant women in person and on tv and movies. It does get a bit easier after losing someone you never got to meet.

I just wanted to share my story. I’m sorry if it’s a little all over the place.

Wanted to let you ladies know you’re not alone in wanting to see those Two Pink Lines...Our time will come... I will keep telling myself that... and so should you... 🥳 (Rest In Heaven Baby Rudy)