Merry Christmas 😔

I had such a bad day yesterday. I haven’t cried like I did last night in I don’t even know how long. My husband told me our relationship is failing. He said that I can’t even make an effort for myself so how could I make an effort for him. This being because I haven’t shaved my legs in a week or two and I don’t get dressed nicely in the mornings or do my hair or makeup or anything. He said I’m lazy because I can’t keep the house clean. Then I was in a group chat with my sisters and my mom. Well the convo went kind of dark with the topic of my sisters bfs grandma dying and how his best friend just died a couple months ago. She wanted to make sure no one would talk it about when got together for Christmas or ask him questions about it. I get uncomfortable in situations like this and make jokes. I know. It’s distasteful for sure. But it’s just how I cope with sad stuff. I asked if he had lost a pet recently too so that we wouldn’t bring that up during Christmas dinner with everyone either. They all jumped at me and started attacking me saying I’m worthless and don’t work like they do because I’m a stay at home mom, told me I have a fucked up relationship, that I’m annoying and need to stfu, that they don’t want to be around me for Christmas. I have no one. My husband and my family all agree that I just suck apparently. Ive been struggling with PPD but thought I was starting to turn a new corner after 7 months. But clearly this set me way back. I talked to my husband about this and he apologized for what he said. He said everyone in my life takes advantage of me and that I do too much for everyone. But the thing is, I am so desperate to feel loved that I would forgive almost anything just to get someone back in my corner. It’s really sad actually. Obvs posting anonymous because I post a lot in this group and this is pretty personal. Just don’t want to feel even worse off than I already do.

Just a few of the many texts I received that night. And the thing is, they don’t even know how bad I’ve been struggling with depression the last few months. The only time they contact me is when they need something. But I try to call each of them every day to say hi and check in. I try so hard to be a good person but I never have anyone there for me. I blocked all of them and my dad called me today and said he was picking up my youngest sister and she asked to talk to me (17), she said “first of all you need to unblock mom, idc if you unblock me or not. But you also need to be grown to deal with your fuckups”. Like was what I said REALLY that bad. I apologized even and said I knew it came out wrong but they know how I get in situations when I’m uncomfortable. To say they don’t want me around for Christmas? Idk. They all live in the same apartment complex about 20 mins from me too so they’re way closer to each other than with me and I just feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Even in my own home my husband is so fucking mean to me I just have no where to turn. We had a major blowout with my sil just a couple of weeks ago too. Her, my husband, and me all screaming and fighting, it was pretty bad. Really struggling to not be depressed anymore.