I got myself into this mess

Yeah. I know I'm a horrible person. So you don't need to tell me that I'm terrible.

I fell in love with a guy. A great one. A married one.

We were friends for years. Longer than he knew his wife. When things fizzled out between them, I made it very clear that I wasnt doing anything with him til his divorce was final. At that time, he said they were already separated and working towards a divorce. I was fine with it. I was fine with waiting.

He told me that she admitted to cheating at some point and that essentially "sped up" the divorce. A couple days after his divorce was final, we went out on our first coffee date. It was so casual. Felt like home because I've known him for so long. There was no weirdness.

I guess there was. I mean the first time we kissed I was nervous leading up to it. I was anxious. Felt like a a highschooler! And then boom it was the best kiss I've ever had because probably deep down I didnt realize that a part of me always loved him (yes you can love friends of the opposite gender!)

Here and there....some things didn't add up. Some little stories. Little details. Im not the nitpicking type. Im a pretty trusting person and i like to pick my battles if that makes sense. Anyways. The truth came out two weeks ago. After he and I had been dating for 14 months.

He got offered a contract job out of town, was trying to convince me to go with him. More like begging. I said I couldn't (I'm in my lease, my whole family is here, I have a good job).

To be honest, I didn't fully understand why he was kind of pushing for me to move with him. I thought it was just idk odd because we were doing just fine the way we were!

Turns out?! He isnt divorced. His ex is going around social media declaring their love for each other. Posting all about there love (using old pictures but still). They aren't living together (she lives like 2 hours away) but the point is they are not divorced and he "thinks" us moving together will be grounds enough for her to divorce him.

I was so pissed off! I was dating a fully married man and truly didn't know. Yeah they were separated. But on paper he has a wife. He lied to get me. And he got me alright. And to make it better, I am PREGNANT! Terrific.

I dont believe in abortion (my choice so don't change my mind) but I really don't want this baby and feel so detached and withdrawn from him and this unborn baby. I haven't told him yet. Remember he got a contract job out of town. He's only been gone three weeks and we haven't been speaking. More like i haven't been speaking as im ignoring and giving him the silent treatment. Now?! I'm so uncertain on what to do.

I'm pregnant with a married man who i love but now I hate him for lying to me.