I’m 41. I’ll be 42 in April. I’m TTC with my first baby. I always deep down wanted a baby, but was just having too much fun with my life, I spent my 20’s and early 30’s partying, dancing, traveling and establishing myself. I met my husband at 33 and he was 36, we wanted a baby and we half hearted tried a couple times and I pushed it down, this want. We agreed for a long time that a baby would destroy our lives because we couldn’t travel like we wanted or do things we like to do. But in the past year, a lot has changed. I had gastric bypass and I’ve lost 172 pounds thus far, thats total, not just post surgical weight. But I finally realized I’m in a place now where I WANT A BABY! I want it, I want my little love. I want to be a Mom and my husband wants to be a Dad. I just feel like this is an effort in futility. That this will be a failure and that I’m too old and my eggs are no good and I won’t be able to conceive. This idea is killing me. I stay positive to people who know about this. I keep a smile on my face. My best friend is no support for anything because she laughed when I told her we were trying and said it was stupid. She’s never wanted kids, she doesn’t even like her own nephews. So I’m holding all this fear and doubt in. Did I miss my opportunity! Should I have done this when I was younger? Probably. Was I selfish for having fun for nearly 42 years? I don’t know. I feel like I experienced a lot, I’ve done a lot with my life that I’m happy about. But now I’m ready and I’m invested in this with all my heart. I’m actually on the verge of tears thinking it won’t happen. I rarely cry, I’m strong, I’m a fighter. But I don’t know if I’m strong enough to get over not being able to have a baby because I’m infertile or any myriad of reasons. I’m rambling at this point. I just have so much on my chest to get out that I can’t tell anyone else. I’m sorry for venting. Love and Baby Dust to you all.