My rapist died

So I’m going to try and make an incredibly long story very short.

So four years ago my boyfriend and I had broken up. It ended kind of badly and I moved out and found out a week later I was pregnant. My ex had already started moving on and was talking to a new girl. This hurt me incredibly bad and I seek solace in a guy friend from work.

I had originally met him two years prior in a psych hospital after we both dealt with the aftermaths of our suicide attempts and then ran into each other one day at work. We supported each other and leaned on one another and he was a good friend to me. However he wanted to be more than friends. I honestly began to use him as a rebound. He made me feel happy, beautiful and I began to miss affection. We could cuddle and kiss here and there and that’s as far as it had went. I had told him I wasn’t over my ex and we spent 90 percent of the time talking about my pregnancy and mine and my ex pre existing relationship. I thought I had made my boundaries pretty clear but one day he took it upon himself to have sex with me while is five months pregnant and crying and saying no. He texted me after I left his house apologizing and crying saying he was so sorry for disrespecting me. We didn’t talk much after that, 6 months later I was back with my ex and that was the last time me and him exchanged words. He cussed me out and then immediately apologized and wished me luck with rekindling my family. He texted a couple other times just exclaiming that he missed me but I never responded and ended up blocking him.

Well this past year I found out through a mutual friend on Facebook that he was diagnosed with stage four cancer spread throughout his lungs, brain and feet. A few weeks ago he finally passed away. My emotions are all over the place. I’m sad and I’m confused and I’m questioning so many different things. Like even though he did something so heinous, he had been such a good person in my life at one point and I’m sad that person is truly gone. I wish I would have said something to him and I don’t even m is what I would honestly want to say. So many things left unsaid even if the words can’t form right now, I know I will never have the opportunity to. I had dealt with ptsd, depression and anxiety. Countless night I’ve lost sleep due to nightmares, all the flashbacks and anxiety to go in public in case I may see him. I feel so much and nothing all at once. Over all I’m just really struggling.

Anyways, my main problem is that I’m struggling so hard and can’t even talk to my boyfriend about it. I tried talking to him about my thoughts and feelings and he said that he didn’t want to talk about it because he was getting mad, that he didn’t like me thinking about another guy.

I just feel like this is pushing me away from him so much. Even if he doesn’t understand my thoughts and feelings he could at least validate my feelings? And then on top of it I feel like he ignores my feelings and only focused on his own feelings and insecurities. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone can give me any advice or insight. Help me see me boyfriends point of view I guess? I’m so stuck in my own head and trauma that I’m having a hard time putting myself into his shoes during this situation.