I just kind of feel empty. I saw a lot of people saying that meant I had “reached the inner peace” but this doesn’t feel like that. This feels like I want to cry and scream but I can’t. This feels like nothing. I would rather be sad all the time than this. But I was afraid that because I wasn’t a crying mess all the time like I have been that maybe this is really the baseline. That maybe this is how “normal” people feel. I can laugh at a joke but I forget any joy it brought me right after. The year passing of my grandmother passed by a week ago, and a beloved dog died recently, and yet I haven’t cried more than a single tear in 3 weeks. My siblings talk about how messed up they are this time of year and how out of it they are. Yet when my brother informed me of the dogs passing he noticed my lack of emotions and said “so you aren’t even sad?”

!!!!⚠️Possible TW through this part part.⚠️!!!!

I feel tired. I just want to sleep. And part of me just wants to go to sleep and never wake up. I want my body to give up on itself. I feel useless. I just take up space. I would usually cry when typing this but it’s still nothing. Maybe my eyes are damp and a lump in my throat but nothing comes out. And even when it tries I force it back down. I used to have terrible terrible anxiety about death. But now I think about the afterlife and how I’m ready to die.

I did randomly get anxiety earlier but idk why. Nothing triggered it. I just had such a bad feeling I had to google if random anxiety was normal. I was freaking out.

Anyways. I just don’t know what to think. I don’t know anything anymore. I get frustrated easily and cant focus. I get upset when people don’t understand me. It’s upsetting for me to admit but when even the slightest thing that irks me can make me want to hurt something.

I know I’m ranting at this point but I’m afraid I may just be copying my gf. She was talking about her anxiety tics than I realized I’ve been “ticcing” (in quotes because I’m pretty sure my brains just picked up on it) too. I feel like I may just be being a bad person and trying to pretend I have it worse than her. She also said we both have symptoms of adhd, but what if I’m just faking for attention or something? My brother has adhd so it’s plausible I might but I just don’t know.

TL;DR

I feel confused and empty and tired. I feel like any symptom I show may just be me looking for attention.