Last pregnancy, my SO really wanted our baby to have his late mom’s name as the middle name, I agreed then, not knowing much about her, even though I hated the name.

Now, a couple years later, I’ve learned a lot more about her

1- she was a drug addict and died overdosing in a crack house

2- she beat her kids

3- she didn’t raise any of her kids for more than a couple years each (she had 5)

4- all her kids were passed around to random family members

5- even when she became a grandma for the first time, her daughter ended up cutting her off from contact with her granddaughter because she’d pop in and and want to play grandma but then disappear for months again

If I’m pregnant with a girl, this is NOT a woman I want to name my child after. I can’t really say anything against her though as he gets really angry and defensive (when one of his sisters says something bad about her, I never have) and just blames the slew of men she brought in and out of her life, and her “hard” childhood. He basically idolizes her even knowing how she abandoned him. He still has regular nightmares where he cries out for her to help him.

I have no idea how to tell him I don’t want that name without starting a huge fight. We aren’t finding out the gender so it’s a decision that has to be made regardless of what we’re having. Plus, my son’s middle name is my grandpas name so he’ll feel it’s his right to pass down a family name. I’d rather use his grandma’s or auntie’s names who actually raised him though.

How do I approach this without causing a massive blow up?