We have been trying for babies for almost 2 years. It actually causes us to argue I guess because we both are frustrated. He has a problem ejaculating and he can only ejaculate when it masterbates. A few times he made himself cum & put it inside me. He says he wants to do it like normal people . He says it makes him feel like he’s broke....

Anyway last week we found out that my cousin is pregnant with her 5th child. she’s not 30 yet. I say that because my husband just turned 30...so I am happy and excited for her...then he comes back in the room and sees me crying . He asks me why, & at first I didn’t want to tell him because I felt stupid for feeling that way. I told him that I was sad that my cousin is on her 5th and I can’t even be blessed with one. He told me to stop being jealous and that I shouldn’t envy what somebody has. I told him that I wasn’t necessarily jealous or envious in an evil way but I was reminded yet again that I am still without a child. I told him that I did feel jealous that I didn’t have a child but I didn’t feel like I deserved a child over her. He made it seem like I felt like I was better than her and more deserving because I have a career, a 5 bedroom house& a husband and she didn’t. That literally didn’t cross my mind!! Ofcourse everything that I have accomplishing is for the betterment of my children.

I’m happy when I find out that somebody is expecting and I’m also reminded that I don’t know what that feels like..

Today we finally had a chance to talk about it. He apologized for the way he came off and he felt like i was blaming him and he says he blames himself often for it