TW: meningitis/mental health/suicidal thoughts/panic attacks

TW: meningitis/mental health/suicidal thoughts/panic attacks

I started getting severely ill last week and turns out I got meningitis and I became septic. It caused me to have seizures. I had a lumbar puncture which caused a CSF leak and left me feeling even worse. I’m starting to feel on the mend physically now, and I’m finally home from hospital, but my mental health is at an all time low. I keep having severe panic attacks. I can’t sleep without sedatives. I was fine mentally for the first 3 days in hospital and then I just started to spiral while still in hospital. I feel so sorry for the doctors and nurses that had to look after me through the panic attacks. I must have been so annoying. I just can’t get a grip on my emotions. It’s like a wave of feeling numb, feeling ok, then feeling extremely sad, wanting it to all just go away, and then finishes in a panic attack with feeling anxious. At the peak of my panic attacks I am so irrational and feel like the only thing I can do is hurt myself so I can feel something different other than the panic attack itself. Then after the peak I feel ok again. It’s like a cycle at the moment. I can’t stop thinking about how sick I was and all the tests/procedures I had. I’m also terrified of getting sick again (in the last year I’ve now had meningitis twice, a severe kidney infection, a bladder infection, and gastro.) I feel like this latest meningitis infection has me turning OCD. No one is allowed to touch my stuff and I’m washing my hands every few minutes with either soap or sanitiser. I’m not well enough to leave the house but I feel scared to as I don’t want to pick up another illness no matter how big or small it is. I’m just afraid all the time. I’ve had doctors reassure me that mood swings like I’m experiencing are completely normal while my brain and body heals and the swelling/pressures return back to normal. I’m just looking for advice from people who have had similar sicknesses and how they recovered mentally as I can’t stand feeling like this. I’m usually a happy person and I just don’t feel like myself right now. Any advice on how to feel better and back to my old self ASAP please 💕✨