Advice? Please...

This is more so for me than anyone else so that I can hopefully move on and stop thinking about this everyday.

I’ve known this person for my whole life, literally, we meet in pre-k when we were both 1 year olds. And we became best friends since. Fast forward high school, we found each other again. (We live in different states) When we were juniors in highschool, he would text me things that would make me upset like saying “oh my gf could never do this or do that” or saying that he didn’t want me to do certain things (not manipulative or controlling) just things that I was just like man leave me alone. So one day I told him that he was too soft. So I guess I had really hurt his “masculinity.”

So a year later we graduate and would literally spend hours on the phone, like falling asleep and everything. He really was my best friend who I confined in a lot. One day he was taking a trip so he was at the airport and I called him. He told me that ever since the day I called him soft that he changed (which I started noticing but never thought anything of it) I think that day at the airport is when we stopped being friends.

A year goes by and he ghosted me. I texted, I called, and nothing. I knew he was ok but I couldn’t understand what I did or what was going on. MONTHS later he apologized and said it was because of a girl.

Then I kept my distance but forgave him (I cried almost everyday) then I would wait for him to text me first and not bother him at all because I didn’t want to go back to crying like that. Then the texts were less frequent. So to get his attention, I would talk about this boy who was so irrelevant but that was the only way I could get his attention. One day he told me that he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore sometimes because every time I spoke to him, it was about something that’s negative (and I was like well that’s the only way you ever talk to me)

Fast forward to 2020, we spoke less frequently but still talked and then corona happened and he told me he possibly had it (he was feeling sick) and then a week after that conversation, he ghosted me again.

In April 2020, I texted him and he did not answer. So I left it at that and only texted him on his birthday which he responded. He texted me on my birthday, I responded. Then in January 2021, this year, I texted him that I was thinking of him on this specific date because we both went through a traumatic experience that day and no answer.

I don’t know I mean if we really were best friends for 20 years and we meant a lot to each other than the immature ghosting wouldn’t be the response I would expect. I think along the way I fell in love with him which sucks because that’s the only explanation I can think of because he’s on my mind 24/7. And I hate it.