Violent relationship

I seem to be a magnet for violent relationships. Yes, I’m oversensitive and this can attract, as I’ve learned, just the kind of behaviour that is the right amount of unhealthy... i don’t like a guy to be too nice, but it hurts as well when he is too mean.

I’ve got out of an abusive relationship about a year ago. It wasn’t easy and without my girlfriends, I don’t even know if I would’ve made it.

Now this fear of being in the wrong relationship follows me around. Of course I have patterns, of course I won’t choose the guy that treats me like a princess. But does that mean that I’m totally wrong to be with him ?

Here’s the story : he’s a traveler I met on a trip to get away. We spent 4 months together in 2020. Full pandemic. Creates intimacy. The relationship was never just roses. He is jealous, been cheated on before. I once was a cheater, although that is in the past. We come from different countries, different backgrounds... it’s complicated. We do not share the same views on how a relationship should be and how we want it.

But we love each other. So. Much. It’s passionate, it’s intense. It’s everything to me. He’s my everything.

So I managed to book us a trip to Brazil this year to see each other again. Spent 4 great months together. Well great is maybe putting it too well. The truth is we have been fighting throughout all this time. Because of his jealousy, because of my fear for the future, because we can’t communicate well enough and have different point of view on everything... it’s been hard. And amazing. Because in between these fights, this trip has just been paradise. A way to confirm what I already knew : the guy is my soulmate. There were nights sleeping under the stars on the beach, laughing until it hurts, cooking incredible meals together with barely nothing, talking until dawn... it’s been also great.

The thing is. When we fight, he totally blocks me out. It’s like he becomes another person. He doesn’t seem to care for me or my well being and just sees me as the worst person. Even though I’m just doing everything to fix things. I’ve never cheated. Never even send messages behind his back. I don’t have secrets. But he’s suspicious always. I can talk to someone and he’ll make a whole thing in his head even though it’s HIS friend.

Now, we’re apart. We’re trying to figure out a way with all this, the pandemic. And it’s awful. Yesterday he acused me of lying when he asked me what I was doing. But with the time difference I was just sleeping. Today we got in a big fight because of this. He doesn’t believe me. And it hurts me. Right now I’m in quarantine, going through some other things and just really need support not unjustified accusations. I’m angry. And sad. And tired of this honestly. But I really love him.

I’m not going to ask what should I do because I already know the answer to this. If I’d be reading a similar story I’d be like : dump the guy !! But you all know it’s not that easy ... so I guess I’m just searching for some sorority love here.