TW: mental health, epilepsy, anaphylaxis

I’ve had generalised anxiety for as long as I can remember but it has always been quite controlled.

I went through some pretty heavy stuff a few years ago and it was all in the same few weeks... became unconscious at the wheel and ended up having an accident. Turns out I had a seizure. The next day I had another, and then 3 days later another. I was diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy. I returned back to work a week later and one of the nurses didn’t dispose of a used needle properly and I was pricked with it. Because of my autoimmune disease, and not being vaccinated against HepB, my Dr advised me to get an immunoglobulin vaccination as a precaution. Within minutes of having it I had a severe anaphylactic reaction and my airways closed over completely. I don’t remember much because I lost consciousness but I do remember my mum and fiancé screaming at the doctors to save me.

Anyway, I kinda had a mental breakdown after all of that. It was a lot to go through in the space of a couple weeks. My anxiety was through the roof and I was having severe panic attacks. I was put on medication & saw a therapist which helped me heaps. Diagnosed with panic disorder. After a while I felt like I got my life back. The panic attacks almost stopped; only having them maybe once every 6 months or so.

Ever since my epilepsy started though, I feel like I’m going crazy. Especially lately. I know I’m not depressed. I don’t feel depressed. But my anxiety is bad and I’m having panic attacks again. I worry that I’m having mini psychosis episodes. I’m hearing things and seeing things. I hear voices in my head and they constantly swear and say negative things to me. Sometimes I feel myself getting paranoid. When I am feeling ok, I can recognise my behaviour and thought pattern is irrational. I refuse to take any meds because they “poison” me or “I don’t need them” this goes for my asthma medication too which I have taken my whole life. I just won’t take anything when I’m having a moment because even though I know I’m being irrational, it’s like my brain doesn’t let me take them because it tells me it isn’t good for me. I just don’t feel normal at the moment. Some of my behaviour is starting to scare me. I was honestly convinced the other day that one of the trees outside was there to kill me. That isn’t normal!!! I’ve never had these issues before but ever since my epilepsy started I feel like it’s slowly made my mental health worse over the last few years. I just don’t know how I can go from generalised anxiety & panic attacks, to full blown paranoia, delusions & hallucinations.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t feel like this anymore. I’m not sleeping. I’m hardly leaving my room. I’ve irrationally quit my job. I won’t go outside in case I get sick. I have an appt booked with a psychologist but the earliest I could get in is October which is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t want to die but I am starting to hurt myself with a razor. I can’t talk to anyone about this because I don’t want to be perceived as crazy! I don’t cut deep and it’s only because when I’m having a really bad panic attack, it’s the pain from the cutting that pulls me out of it. All of my usual coping techniques aren’t working. I try meditation, breath work, having a shower, making lists of positives, etc. Nothing will pull me out of the panic unless I can physically feel pain. My thighs are very scarred and sore right now.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore. Is it possible I’ve got another mental illness like paranoia or MPD? What makes me doubt everything is that I can actually recognise my behaviour and thoughts as being irrational. But I just can’t stop!

Does anyone have epilepsy and have had their mental health decline since being diagnosed? Do I go and see my Doctor in hopes of being referred to another psychologist sooner than October?

My relationship/sex life, home life, work, family’s& friendship are all being affected by this.

Please send me your advice/experience xx