SAHMs, what advice do you have for the working parent?

Question

I’m due in July and after my maternity leave my SO is going to be a stay at home dad. He’s always wanted to be a stay at home dad and I’m so happy that we’re in a place that we’re able to make that work. 
What I’m wondering is what advice do stay at home parents have for the working parent? What are some things I can I do to make things run smoothly while he’s doing the lions share of the child rearing. How can I make sure that he’s feeling appreciated and supported? What are some common missteps from the working parent that could strain or damage the relationship?
Any advice appreciated!

Answer

It was huge having my husband come home and take the baby right away so I could have even a few minutes to go poop or walk around the block on my own. He let me decompress from the day before anything.
We also had a system where basically when he left for work, we both “clocked in” me to being home and him to work. When he got home, we split the remaining tasks evenly. Like, I was never on baby duty 24/7 just because I was the stay at home. Sometimes I kept doing baby stuff so he could make dinner, most of the time I did dinner so I could have a change of scenery. 
Work it out and figure out what’s best for both of you. No matter what, make a day each week for each one of you to sleep in.

Answer

I think once you’ve been on maternity leave you’ll probably have a good understanding of what it will be like for him. While working does have it’s challenges, for me it was much less tiring than being at home- I had the commute time to do what I wanted, I had lunch and coffee breaks. You do have periods during the day where you can just pop out of the office to run a quick errand without it disrupting or being the focus of your whole day.
Be prepared that when you walk in the door, he will have been ‘on’ the whole day with no breaks. Take 5 minutes before you leave work to use the bathroom, have a drink of water, etc. so when you walk in the door you’re ready to be present with your family.
Have realistic expectations of what he’ll be able to do in a day. He won’t be able to grocery shop, do all the laundry, clean the whole house and have dinner prepared on the one day, in addition to playing with and interacting with your baby and meeting all of their basic needs.

Answer

I agree with remembering that he is working 24/7 and the only way he will get any sort of down time is if he plans for a sitter, skips out on some sleep, or if you give him a break. Im a SAHM and I appreciate my husband for always saying thank you for things. When he comes home to a totally clean house, he says thank you, wow looks great you worked hard today. When I do laundry he says thank you. When I make dinner he says thank you. Even though it’s all part of my “job”. It just is the appreciation and recognition. You get atta boys for accomplishments at work and I was good at my job (when I worked out of the home) so it’s nice to feel some appreciation for the job I’m doing now especially on days I do an exceptional job balancing it all 😉 it’s also really easy to notice when things are out of balance and you don’t notice as much when things are in order. Like, if your clothes are always clean and in your drawer you don’t think much about it but when laundry is behind and there’s clothes everywhere it’s more in your face so it’s easier to say something when it’s out of order. Remember how the clothes got in the drawer so nicely for you lol. 
Something else to remember is that he will have significantly less adult interaction. Spending all day every day with kids is a blessing but it’s also hard to only have conversations at a young child level all day every day, so I know when my husband gets home I appreciate just having some normal conversation throughout the evening. 
It will be important for his mental health to get out of the house often, and it’s really nice on days off to have family time. He will know the routine of your kids and probably maintain it but just parenting together as well as getting out of the house to spend time together will be special. I look forward to my husbands days off because it’s not as lonely and not only do I miss him it’s nice to not juggle my crying baby while I make lunch for my toddler.. there’s another set of hands to help with the care. So even if it looks like he has things under control, getting in there so he doesn’t have to do things alone is just such a great feeling.

Answer

Be aware of how lack of adult interaction might change his needs. I am naturally a pretty introverted person & use to be such a homebody. Especially with a job that required me to interact and be very social before, once I was home, I was pretty quiet & didn’t usually want to go out. 
As a SAHM I tend to talk my husbands ear off when he gets home & (before covid) like to get out of the house and do a lot more activities than before. It can be hard for my husband who has to deal with people all day and still wants that quiet time when he gets home. Realizing & talking through the reason for the change helped us both navigate it better.

Answer

I think it is important to remember that he is  working around the clock (depending upon how you guys handle nights). He won’t have breaks away unless someone gives him those breaks and it is really important. Having time where I am not in charge of others or caring for others is really important to my mental health. Their nap times or bedtimes don’t count because I’m still on call.

Answer

I have a pretty great husband who makes it easier for me as a sahm. But one thing I have noticed that a lot of my sahm friends complain about, or I've seen on here is that their spouse expects them to have the house spotless, laundry always caught up, etc. My husband has made it clear he would never treat me that way because he knows I'm here to take of our boys and not the whole house load either. So he knows the house duties are just as much his responsibility as they are mine. And I seriously love him so much for that. He always says "I'm a stay home MOM not MAID" 
The biggest thing I've really struggled with personally is just finding time for myself. I've also lost my sense of identity too. I've been doing this for 4 years now and before kids I was a stay at home wife. So I really struggled with myself. So make sure your husband can also have his get away time alone. You obviously need it too, and maybe it won't be the same for him? But most sahms or parents in general often times feel like they are just trapped in this every day routine. 
Otherwise if you have a good stable marriage I don't think you'd have any issues honestly. Because my husband is really good about just making me feel appreciated and letting me know that I am helping with the family just as much as he is.

SAHMs, what advice do you have for the working parent?

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