I hurt my wife....

I have so many bottled up emotions that I have no way of getting out. I hurt my wife in the worst way and then our life took an even worse turn. We moved in with my mom in Texas to cope with our lives now. I cheated on her. I'm not proud of it. I hate myself for what I did to her. I'll never forgive myself for breaking her heart.. I don't deserve her. When she found out she was destroyed. I broke my wife.. Our son couldn't even stay in the house because he knew there was tension between us. Then we find out our son is in the hospital for an OD. He accidentally OD'd on laced cocaine. Then we eventually had to make the decision to pull the plug which ended our son's life. I failed him. He left the house because of the tension I caused when I cheated and went to do drugs. I killed my son... Why my wife stayed... Idk.. I don't deserve her. She agreed to move to Texas with me to my mom's because we couldn't be in that house. We ended up selling our house. My wife is the strongest women I know. Before we left for Texas we stopped by his grave and I just apologized to him. I wish it was me down there. I wish I had died instead of him. My wife held my hands and leaned against his grave and she started crying and said she forgives me. I don't deserve it... I don't deserve her forgiveness. I don't deserve to be alive. Idk why God took his life when I'm the piece of shit cheater. It should have been me who died. God should have taken me out of their life. Not my son who died too soon. I got a new job down in Texas and my wife god a job at a daycare to be around children. It's been helping her cope. She asks me how I'm doing every day. I don't deserve this women..