I am a piece of shit mom.

I am. I’m a SAHM. I have a toddler and an infant. I haven’t adjusted well. Some days are fine, others are a shit show.

We just sleep trained my infant. That was supposed to help. Somehow I still feel overwhelmed. It’s hard trying to keep her on a nap schedule. My husband doesn’t like eating with the kids, so we eat after they go to sleep. The earliest we ever eat is 7:30. By the time we eat and I clean up, it’s 8:30. I shower, feed the cat, fold the laundry, and then it’s time to dream feed the infant and go to sleep. At 3AM I get up and feed her again. It takes me an hour to fall back asleep. I get up at 6:30 and make my husband’s lunch and myself some coffee. 15 mins later the kids are awake.

I feel like I don’t get a damn break.

This morning I am downstairs. It’s 7:00 and I just got my toddler settled and I am drinking coffee trying to wake up. My husband comes down and yells at me for screwing up when he asked me to buy in a cryptocurrency. Apparently I lost us 2%. So I got berated for that. Told how stupid I am and how I no longer get to even speak to him about investing. Great way to start the day.

Then, we meet a friend for coffee. Usually this is pleasant. My toddler was great, but my infant didn’t nap. She fell asleep in the car, but my toddler woke her up with her screaming as soon as we got home. She’s very tired at this point as it’s 11:00 and she hasn’t napped. I lay her down. She keeps rolling onto her tummy and I have to keep flipping her over. Then she just screams for 10 minutes. I get her, feed her, lay her back down. She falls asleep at noon.

The entire time this is happening, my toddler is whining and screaming. About everything under the sun. Nothing makes her happy. I got to make her lunch. She won’t sit. She insists on holding her toys. She’s not chewing her food. She has thrown food everywhere and then has an entire mouth full of food and is blowing spit bubbles and playing with it with her hand. I was disgusted. I yelled. I told her that was gross. I said “NO!”. She cried. She spit all her food out. Her feelings were hurt. I held her and apologized. I got her some Tylenol, because I think all of this is just a symptom of her teething. I give her the medicine. She doesn’t swallow it. She’s holding it in her mouth. I tell her to swallow. She pretends to. I say “let me see. Open your mouth”. She opens her mouth and all the medication drips out. It’s all over her and the floor.

I lost it. I screamed and literally pulled my hair. She got very frightened. In that moment I was so angry I couldn’t console her. I wiped her up and put her in her crib for nap time. I left the room and she was screaming. I realized I didn’t want to make her fall asleep in that kind of state. I felt bad for scaring her when I’m supposed to be her safe space. I went back in and apologized. I held her and kissed her. I explained that I was having a bad day and it wasn’t her fault, that she’s a very good girl and I understand she doesn’t feel well today. I laid her back down and left.

I am a piece of shit. Like, why can’t I control my rage some days? I’m a calm person. I love my kids. It’s just so much some days. I feel like I’m ruining her. My toddler. She’s incredibly sweet and empathetic. I’m afraid I’m psychologically terrorizing her with these fits of rage.

I just can’t today.