7y/o acting out and now can’t do anything for her birthday ! Am i going too far ??

Question

So my daughter is turning 8 Monday and Saturday we were supposed to go out and stuff but she’s been acting up (like for months) she hasn’t been doing her work(school) she cries when she has to clean up. She talks back stomp her feet and also try to slam doors. She also been sneaking on YouTube after i told her many times not to get on YouTube especially during school hours. She been sneaking on my computer AND phone! I literally tried everything literally!! I put her on punishment i take away her toys she can’t get on my game or computer unless it’s to do homework or class. She cannot go outside or do other fun things. Now i didn’t want to just not do anything for her birthday (i wanted to buy her a cake) but i don’t want her to think that what she’s doing is okay. I thought maybe i was doing too much but i don’t know what else to do. Also she’s been acting up but the last few years but i been doing stuff for her like throwing parties etc. i let her do plenty while acting like that. But i can’t let it continue she cannot turn out like me. ( i was a really bad kid/teen)

Answer

It’s been a really shitty year. I’m assuming at least part of her school year has been remote, which is so isolating at that age. Acting out is to be expected when access to school and friends has been taken away. 
If it were me, I’d be very specific in my punishments. Start with password protecting your phone and computer and adding parental controls. Computers can be set up with log-ins for multiple accounts. Set hers up to only access apps and sites necessary for school. Try to substitute family game night for screen time. She might be acting out for attention, and a family activity could help. 
I wouldn’t personally restrict outside time. This is vital to her mental and physical health. Is she getting any other form of exercise throughout the day? Being cooped up inside all day everyday can definitely increase bad behavior as she has no way to get rid of excess energy. You can restrict who she hangs out with, but take walks, bike rides, swims with her to burn that energy. 
Also, try to check in with her. Not when you’re mad, not when she’s done something wrong. Just sit down and talk with her and ask how she’s feeling. Is she struggling with her school work? Is she having trouble understanding it? Would she like to sit together to complete it? It would be worth meeting with her teacher to check in and see if she seems to be understanding yet material. 
I worry about taking her birthday away completely. She should still be celebrated for existing, and made to feel special like every other kid. It doesn’t have to be a big, elaborate ordeal, but something to remind her that she’s loved and that you’re happy she’s here. 
Lastly, I bet this year has been hard on you, too. It’s been a tough parenting year. Cut yourself some slack. But try really hard not to project fears from your childhood onto her. Focus on figuring out what’s going on with her and addressing her specific concerns and struggles. It’s easy to look at these little people as minis of ourselves, but they are their own people with their own minds.

Answer

Taking away a childs birthday for any reason is going to far. I think no matter what any punishment should be put on hold for birthdays.

Answer

I think a cake, a gift and a conversation is most appropriate. 
You don't want to do nothing for her birthday...I mean you can, but I don't think it's a good idea. 
What you should do is have the cake and give her a small gift to celebrate, then a talk letting her know that you made an exception to celebrate her special day. You let her know that the cake, accolades and gift in no way shape or form excuses her from what she's done.
This is a tough one.

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my parents did it to me one year growing up, i learned my lesson 🤷🏻‍♀️ sometimes they need to be real consequences not only “passwords on your phone”

Answer

Some of it is probably learned behavior from a friend or friends at school. You may want to make some changes about the kinds of friends she’s surrounding herself with or perhaps she’s even just watched some nasty mean girls on a Disney show or something. The sneaking on your phone and computer behavior seems like learned behavior from somewhere.
Read up on 7 year olds social and emotional and cognitive development, here’s a starter article:
https://www.education.com/magazine/article/Lucky_7_How/
Treat her like a toddler in a way (and do the same again when she’s 13!). Help her learn new words for her emotions (you can get some cool emotion flashcards with processing activities on them from Amazon). Help her learn to logic and rationalize when it comes to fairness. Help her learn to curb her gut reaction to challenge you when she disagrees and teach her how to have a conversation with you. Literally give her words and phrases to use, cite examples from you at work and how you fix things when you don’t get along with other women.
If you just yell at her and punish her over each new challenge she issues, it’s going to blow up every time and it’s going to be a loooong journey through the next few years. 
Tell yourself inside “I’m the adult, she’s the kid” and calm yourself. Use tactics like “I’m so disappointed in you for doing that. It’s really bad no heavier and I need to think a little before I decide on your consequence. Go to your room, sit on your bed, and wait for me.” Then calm down, think through some options l, settle on something, and go tell her calmly why she’s in trouble and what the consequence is. Be firm and calm and she’ll lose every time.
As for the birthday, sure no party and not a lot of big gifts. But you could make a cake at home and explain how much you love her no matter what and how fulfilled she makes your life and how much her birthday means to you...but if she wants privileges and money spent on her, year 8 needs more discipline and self control than year 7 had.

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You can go on your router control page and block certain content. As for her behaviors how about having a heart to heart conversation she's old enough to understand and talk to you. Is something going on in school??? Make charts for chores and have rewards ( allowance,  electronics, shopping ect.) Make a box where she can put little notes to communicate with you if she's afraid of talking to you about something

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Overkill for sure. She is starting puberty of course she is going to start acting out

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Well. I would try different tactics to get her to help out and act better. Maybe someone on here has good idea my kid is only 3 now so I'm not there yet and following so 8 can get ideas if the need arises.

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Regardless of her behavior this year another birthday is something to always celebrate, especially with the year we've all had with the pandemic. You don't need to spoil her but maybe getting her a cake and ice cream would be a great reminder of although you've been getting in trouble and we have to punish you we still love you

Answer

I wouldn't ignore it completely but I would definitely cancel any big plans.

7y/o acting out and now can’t do anything for her birthday ! Am i going too far ??

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