I'm exhausted from all my husband's untreated mental illnesses.

Title says it all, really.

I have been with him since I was 19, and let me tell you, it's been a horrible rollercoaster ride that has caused me to be highly anxious, depressed and more. I should've seen the first red flag which was the age difference.

My husband has a tragic past, one that I'm very aware of and he talks about it constantly. It's very sad and heartbreaking which is why I let him rant. It resulted into him having MDD, PTSD, anxiety, porn addictions, and I'm pretty sure he also has paranoid personality disorder.

I'm so fucking exhausted. I've dealt with all his issues ever since I was 19. 19! Looking back, it's so unfair that I spent my young adult years having to manage him and my life because of his untreated disorders.

I've asked him, even gave him an ultimatum (which he got mad about) to see a therapist. He saw one woman but she wasn't helpful at all. Then he found another one, a man and things seemed to go well until suddenly he stopped seeing him because "going over everything is triggering him" "There's nothing new therapists can tell him" "he's aware of his issues." It's like, you can aware of your issues but how are you helping yourself? He even made me go to therapy and throws it in my face that my therapist released me because we accomplished my goals. Like wtf?

His accusations of me cheating, me planning to divorce him (although I've never looked up anything about divorce until today because I'm at my wits end), his verbally assaulted me on numerous occasions during his episodes, he's kicked me out the house, called me and uncompassionate cunt because I couldn't bear to listen to everything going on through his head, waking up and always feeling anxious or like I'm walking on egg shells. Never being able to share my feelings bc he takes it personally or makes it about himself somehow. The way his eyes turn pitch black when he's mad, fucking frightens me since I've dealt with an abusive step father. And other awful things that I can't put in the post because it'd be taken down. I'm tired. I feel like I've been run over by a semi truck. I don't think I've ever been happy since I was 19 because he's taken all my energy and youth.

He's not an easy person to deal with, but he wants to make everyone else out to be the villan. Sure, maybe his parents are but not me. I'm not sure what he expects, if he expects that just cause you have trauma people should just accept you? I've had my own fair share of trauma (sexual assaulted, verbally assaulted, major father issues) but I try not to let it out on people, especially our daughter. I try to work through them.

It requires more patience on my end to deal with him than it does our daughter. He asks more questions than our 5 yr old. It's exhausting.

It's gotten to the point that I don't even want to have sex or be physical with him because of all the shit he's put me through. He will get mad at me if I reject his attempts and tell me "this is why I don't touch you" "You're always complaining that I don't touch you." And sure, maybe I've giving him mix messages because I do tell him I want to be touched lovely, but that's just it. I want to feel like it's love and I don't feel like we have love. I just want to be adored, loved and comforted and I've lacked that all these 7 yrs.

I'm tired of being in tears, I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning, Im tired of resenting him (especially for things not even listed on this post), I'm tired of his untreated mental health disorders. My gut is telling me that I need to just move on in life because I've never been happy but I'm afraid of him getting mad and calling me every name in the book because I've left him for something he can't control.

Tdlr: my husband has several mental health disorders and doesn't see the importance of seeing a therapist. It's resulted in resentment, exhaustion, anxiety, and worsening my depression.