Is this your first pregnancy? How's the experience!

I keep trying to think of the right words to say to this. But nothing sounds right. For starters, I already have a little one, so no. But I'm not pregnant yet with our second. Though we've been actively trying for over 3 years now to get pregnant. The experience? Have you ever been on a roller coaster before? Remember how the first time and you rode it, you knew it was going to end, there were ups and downs, and you weren't exactly sure when it's going to end? That is how it feels. There's ups and downs, and because I can't see the end, I don't know when it's going to end. I've had super happy, positive moments, and I've had very depressing, negative moments. I've laughed, smiled, and been super happy. But I've also cried, doubted, and screamed.

When we started this journey, I knew it would take some time to get pregnant again. My body needed time to get rid of the birth control in my system. I was very hopeful and excited about this journey. Taking pregnancy tests was fun and exciting. I always had a positive attitude and just brushed off the negative tests. Because there's always next month. Right?

After about 6 months, worry started to set in. I remember still being excited, but not as much as I was 6 months ago. I read that at my age, once you hit 1 year with no success, its time to see a doctor. So we continued for another 6 months. At this point, a lot of family had started asking when we were going to have another one. Someone even bought our son a "Thing 1" shirt and told us they would buy a "Thing 2" outfit once the next one was born. That was 2 and a half years ago. My son hasn't been able to wear that shirt for a year and a half now. It still hurts thinking about that. As if I wasn't under enough pressure at the moment. I decided to schedule an appointment with my doctor to get checked out. An appointment that I thought would help, but left me in tears instead. I was told that because my period wasn't consistent, we hadn't technically been trying for a year. And the most devastating sentence she said was "have we really tried *EVERYTHING* yet"? I ended up crying in the car on the way home. I was so shattered that I had been treated this way by my doctor. So I gave it a little more time. Another 6 months goes by and I bring up the fact we haven't gotten pregnant yet to my doctor. She then proceeds to tell me she doesn't prescribe any fertility medication and I would have to see someone in the OBGYN field. I was in a rage after this appointment. I was led to believe she would give me medication after a certain amount of time, all to be told otherwise. I decided to just keep trying and try different things on my own. I started doing my own research, took prenatal vitamins, fertility teas, kept my legs up after sex, took ovulation tests, did BBT tracking, tried relaxing, not thinking about the process, pre-seed, timed intercouse, Progesterone cream, what seems like everything. Nothing. No success. Even after another year. At this point, I'm completely doubting we will ever get pregnant. At 2 years TTC, I decided to go see a Midwife and get some tests done. I was extremely nervous about this appointment but also excited. Maybe we would finally get pregnant after I get some medication. When I got to my appointment, I was so nervous I would get shot down again. But to be honest, I am so glad I got to meet this sweet midwife. Instead of being talked down to, she listened to my pain and what I had been going through for 45 minutes. For the first time in two years, I felt heard about my journey. She decided to start me on Letrozole to force my body to ovulate. I had blood draws to check the levels of Progesterone. I was so excited! The first cycle didn't work, and she thought maybe the dose was too low because my body didn't respond at all to the medication. So we did another round. I definitely ovulated this time around! I had ultrasounds to check my follicles and bloodwork. Both came back positive for ovulation. Finally, we were seeing some progress. Until we didn't. We went through a total of 5 medicated cycles. All unsuccessful. I can't tell you how many times I have cried. I have watched myself go from being excited to take a pregnancy test, to being scared. The thought of taking one and it coming back negative, again, is enough to make me never want to take one again. Because I don't just see one line anymore. I see loss of hope, failure, and defeat. It's so upsetting thinking "I think this is the month. This is it, I've been cramping oddly and I feel it's my turn" then seeing a negative pregnant test sitting on my bathroom sink. I've lost so much hope because of all of the negative tests I've had. When it's time to take a pregnancy test, I don't wake up excited anymore. I wake up fearing that I'm going to see another negative. Ttc and dealing with infertility has changed me. I miss the bright, excited person I was when we started all of this. But this journey has consumed all of me. It's been exciting and brutal all at the same time. My mind is so focused on timing ovulation testing, figuring out what days are best for intercourse, and tracking days until my next predicted cycle. When I see others posting pregnancy announcements, I feel envious and jealousy. Two things I should never feel about a pregnancy announcement. But I can't help it. My journey has made me into such a bitter person. I am happy for these people, but so sad for me. All I can think is, when will it be my turn to announce a pregnancy? Watching all of these people grow their families while we are struggling to do the same is heartbreaking. It feels like I'm supposed to be running a marathon with everyone my age, except my feet are chained to the floor and I'm the only one who can't get to the finish line. But everyone else is running past me, without me, and I'm left behind, alone. After 3 years, I feel like I'm holding on to hope the size of sewing thread. I don't have very much left. I've had thoughts of giving up. I'm not sure how much more of this my mental health can take. Month after month, negative after negative, the thread of hope is getting smaller and smaller. For financial reasons, we can't try <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IUI</a> or <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>. Though at this point, I would pay anything to have another child. I'm scared for the day my hope runs out. I'm not sure how I'll feel. Will I be upset that I let fertility consume so much of me for nothing? Or will I be relieved that I don't have any pressure to get pregnant or have to track this stuff every month. I'm trying very hard to trust that our miracle is coming soon. I am trying to wait patiently. 😔