I regret agreeing to this

Me and my fiancé have been together since I was nineteen years old. I’m in my mid twenties, he just made 30. He’s literally the only person I have ever dated. I’ve experienced a lot of first times with him. Our relationship is pretty good for the most part. I mean, it started off that way in the beginning. Our relationship isn’t the usual, I’ll say.

When my fiancé and I first started dating, he explained to me that if I wanted to be with him, I would have to agree to certain terms. He said that he just wanted to be honest with me about what he really wanted out of a relationship and that he would rather be up front with me now rather than fuck up and cheat later, like he had a tendency of doing in the past. He said if I decided to date him, that I would have to be okay with him talking and sleeping with other woman from time to time. He said he wouldn’t go crazy and that it would be probably be rare OR consistently with one other woman and that he would always use protection. He expressed that he just is NOT a one woman kind of guy. He told me that I would be free to do the same, but he knew that I wouldn’t. He told me that he do genuinely love me though and that he want to be with me, but only if he did it in the way that he was comfortable with.

I thought about it and ended up agreeing to his terms. (Don’t even judge, I was nineteen.) When I was younger, I told myself as long as I was his girl, I would be okay.

Over the years, it has definitely affected my self worth and self esteem. Though he doesn’t just out right say, hey, I’m sleeping with another woman right now. I can always tell when some new chick is entertaining him or when he’s involved with someone else. He’s always occupied. It’s hurts sometimes, cause I really thought that one day he would just want to solely be with me.

It has been years and now we have a whole kid together now and I recently just found out I’m ten weeks pregnant with our second chid. Even with all this, he still has enough energy to go out and spend time with other women.

I recently sat down with him and asked him about being monogamous now that he and I was a bit older and had a family now. He instantly shot me down. He told me I knew exactly what I was signing up when I agreed to be with him and that he wasn’t changing his lifestyle. We got into a heated argument about it and he told me he wasn’t forcing me to be with him and that I could leave anytime.

This shit is literally driving me crazy now, because I really don’t know what the fuck to do. Knowing that he’s out doing his own thing really drains me insane, but the thought of him not being in my life in a romantic way anymore scares me even more. I’m definitely at a lost you guys and really need some serious advice. Don’t shame me please.

Update: Thanks for the words and advice everyone.

I would first like to say, when I wrote this, I was not looking for any sympathy. I wasn’t looking for anyone to feel sorry for me. I just really needed to vent or at the very least talk to someone about this crazy situation I’ve gotten myself in.

Now, I’ve sat and thought about it and I’ve decided I’m going to try my best to stay by his side and just love him. I love him, more than words can ever expressed and when him and I are together, I feel safe, and comfortable, and happy. YI’ll rather have him in my life like this, than not having him in my life at all. It’s a hard world, I supposed I have to make the best.

I know some of you think I can meet somebody else. I honestly don’t think that’s possible. I’m a shy 26 year old with a young child and another on the way. Lol what guy is gonna want to date me. I may have somewhat something going for me when it comes to looks. Everything else about me is boring though. I’m just being honest. Not down talking myself. I hear how man talk about single moms. It’s just not worth it.

I hate the fact that he touches other women, but I would be even more sad if I couldn’t at least have him by my side at night. I can’t be alone. Never again.

Again, thanks for the advice ladies and thanks for listening. I definitely need friends. 😔