Questioning

I should’ve ended my relationship early on. It was awful, he barely texted me, never talked to me at school, and when quarantine hit I never spoke to him. I tried breaking up with him but I couldn’t get any words out. I just sat there on the phone opening and closing my mouth. We didn’t even kiss until 10 months in. We’re two years in now, it’s a lot better, and I love him to death. With him I’m usually happy I got hit with anxiety high enough to mute me and I didn’t dump him. But lately I’m wondering if I should stay. I don’t know if he’s the right person. We’re so different, I’m so different. I’m similar enough to him that I like his interests and hobbies but mine are weird and foreign to him.

I never expected my first relationship to last so long. I don’t want to lose him, but I’m worried I’ll either get hurt or end up resenting him for something. Part of me is worried I already do, because that beginning stretch haunts me sometimes. How hurt and confused and insecure and lonely I was. Every time I’m left on delivered for hours, or plans get canceled just hours before, I get anxious it’s going to be like that again. Sometimes I’m just worried we’ll end up like my parents. In our 40s, tipsy, screaming past our kids on our 20+ year anniversary about how the other is awful, then turning on the kids separately about how we never should’ve had them, that they are monsters and a mistake, and other parent is the problem and not the fact we’re part of the 90% of fucked high school relationships and each other’s first serious partner.

Im so scared to stay with him but I’m terrified of losing him. I don’t know what to do.