Is this just bad communication?

Question

When I’m sad about something, and it involves my husband he gets defensive almost every single time. Doesn’t matter how calm I am, how carefully I choose my words, he always walks away and needs a break. 
Even if I’m being calm, or meek, or non accusatory, even if it’s just a few mins of talking just simply saying what’s on my mind. When he leaves it feels like I’m being abandoned. How am I supposed to communicate then? Cause I try my damn hardest not to be toxic. I apply everything I learned about communication and read about it a lot too. 
He comes back and says sorry he can never handle things right and cuddles me and then falls asleep. I’m at a loss for words and I’m in shock it feels like, so when he’s laying there and I finally work up my courage to talk again, he’s asleep. 
Does he not care about me?

Answer

It sounds like he's just really sensitive to criticism, and has no idea how to engage in a mature conversation about your relationship.
It's not a great position for you to be in if you want a healthy relationship- it's not your fault or your responsibility, it's his responsibility to work on his ability to hear you out without feeling threatened or attacked. But, how on earth can you tell him that?

Answer

I think you need to mentally prepare that hes going to do this because thats just how he is. It isnt anything to do with you, it is triggering a flight or fight response in him,like a panic, who knows why. But then I think it's fair of you to expect a discussion of some sort, even if he just says he thought about what you said and will work on it, or writes you a note if he cant talk about it.
You said his parents have a great marriage, but take a close look at how they handle conflict when it does arise, or when they were upset with him, if one parent struggles with depression etc. Growing up, I would get these long heavy condescending lectures and if I spoke up in the least it would cause an escalation, so I learned to just shut down if someone is upset at me. Like I sit there and cant even look at the person, or if i do say something it comes out as panic or over defensiveness. It's been a challenge in our marriage. No one from the outside knows this about my childhood except my husband, everything looks rosey, and it even took me awhile to figure out where my behavior comes from because it appears as though I had a great upbringing, which for the most part i did, but I still have scars from this issue. Im not saying it's ok, but do not interpret it as him not caring. An automatic response that is different than what you actually wish to be doing stems from emotional trauma. Your being sad, unhappy etc is triggering a panic response in him for reasons nothing to do with you.
Also, ask him what may work better for him. Maybe write him a gently written note instead, or go for a walk together when you need to tell him something. Or, keep doing what youre doing, knowing that him leaving is just part of your problem solving process.

Answer

I'm usually one to shut down if I can't find the words to describe exactly what I am trying to convey so I can kind of relate to what he might be feeling. When he comes back and apologizes maybe try to explain how that made you feel.

Answer

He’s an escapist he runs to avoid issues. That’s not easy to be with someone like that bc nothing ever gets solved. I’m curious to know his relationship w his parents are

Is this just bad communication?

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