Half rant half searching 4 advice? Change of plans desperately in need of advice

I realized my life was a pretty mess when i finished writing this.

So i know i should post this in the high school group but i think i need some more experienced people with taking desitions. So in my school we have like to choose between orientations instead of simply choosing classes you choose like a packet of classes so there are 6 packets

Construction and design

The organizations

IT

Robotics

Artistic productions

Chemistry and biotechnology

So I'm interested in construction and design because of the design part i like interior design.

I like the organizations becuse you have econmy and is useful (i think) to know the bases.

I used to like robotics becuse my dad works in the tech area so when i was young i admired the tech industry and i still feel like I should like robotics

And i like Chemistry because i don't know I just have the idea of studying medicine wich is the worst idea i ever had it's like 10 years of study! And if you ask me if I care about people hurting and having to heal them i say no thanks not a good idea. I'm crazy

And then i have a really good imagination i can create characters out of dust in my mind and i really like imagining but I don't have the guts to become a writer after school. I'm afraid I'm not really good. But also the school I am in now doesn't give a f**k about literature there is math everywhere. So i can't focus on literature at school even i wanted to maybe I can I'm just a coward. But well I have to choose in less than 9 months and i know it seems like a lot but it seems like nothing because all my friends know what they will choose and I'm writing this. And then I'm afraid i will fall in love with my ideas of how something really is and want it and i will be disappointed because my dream was my reality. And at the beginning of last year i had just changed school befor the pandemic so it was all year virtual and me and all my classmates had no idea who the other was because the school made a grade of all the new students so no one knew anyone really and i had some friends from my last school but in the pandemic we stoped talking like we used to and i had a lot of shit going inside my head and i didn't have anyone to talk to and it took me a lot just to talk to someone I'm really reserved and i don't really trust anyone with any of my secrets not even my old friends that now we have started talking again. And i have been warming up to some of my classmates but if i tell them something is becuse i don't really know them much and know they will forget. And I know I could tell my old friendss but I'm scared of being juged even though i know they are the best. Like who keeps being friends with someone that changed schools just because the other was better and that year i was really a dick to my bff like i practically bullied her and I recently apologized and she just said it's okay. Maybe is because she is used to it everyone bothered her because she was smart and talked like superior and i guess that was why i bothered her too i was afraid. And now I'm hiding the fact that I found a really good exchange program to our dream country and i hide it becuse I'm afraid she will enter and I won't. And i know I'm being selfish but i want it and I'm not so smart she is practically a saint doesn't cheat in exams never in her life she has said a curse word i practically sing cuse words and I cheated more than 5 times. I want to do better this year though i want to apply to that exchange program and from this year grades matter more becuse they are the ones that they look at. Then there is the fact that I haven't told anyone i don't give a damm about god and going to church anymore. This is a chat i should have with my parents that i hope never happens. Sorry for grammar or spelling mistakes.