How do I fix one the most important relationships in my life ? 💔

Question

It’s been a rough 4 years into motherhood, my son is autistic and even tho I never saw that as an issue tonight I’m heartbroken and scared of my thoughts… 
I’m 3 days postpartum and it’s been so hard since I got back home, everything started a little over a month ago when he started holding his breath for too long to the point of falling backwards while Rolling his eyes… that was very scary I thought something was very wrong with him but I noticed him causing those episodes… now he does that all the time, either he’s eating, playing in the park taking a shower watching tv it doesn’t matter he’s doing it… and of course I’ve become the bad guy on this cause he won’t listen unless I speak loud or yell at him… my mom flew from another country to help me after having the baby but even her is having a bad time dealing with him, since I got back home he’s been reasonably upset and jealous of the new addition which was kinda expected, the problem is that he won’t stop the breath holding which is driving everybody but mostly me crazy… I can’t do anything without listening that he’s being asked to breathe, he wouldn’t listen to anybody else but me and that’s cause I think he’s scared of me now… I haven’t been able to spend time with him cause he’s actually tried to harm the baby, and she needs me a lot right now, it’s so upsetting how while I’m trying to bond and breastfeeding this baby all I do is yell at him to breathe and listen to the others, my mom is eventually leaving and I’m so scared I never wished he was normal and never thought I’d resent him this much! I feel like I’m drowning! I just want everything to go back to when he was breathing like a regular person idk what to do! I mentioned it to his doctor and referrals are taking too long I wish there was an er for this ! I’m drowning

Answer

Did the doctor say anything about this actually harming him other than the possibility of him falling and hurting himself?  I ask this because it honestly sounds like an attention seeking behavior.  He has realized that he gets a lot of attention for holding his breath, even if it’s negative attention.  As long as he’s somewhere he won’t harm himself by falling, I would ignore the behavior completely and see if he loses interest in it.  Maybe try to find little things he can be involved in regarding care for his new little sister and highly praise him when he helps in a positive way.  That’s a hard age even without an added diagnosis on his plate so I feel your pain.  My 5 year old was hard on my soul from 3.5-almost 5.😣

Answer

Can you speak to whoever your child is currently seeing? Or whoever diagnosed your child? Your child isn’t doing it on purpose or to be bad, it’s likely part of his sensory seeking or he may be stimming. I believe there’s also something I read about autism and breath holding being due to immature breathing patterns but I know nothing about it so you would need to read up on it yourself. If the referral is too long can you speak to a private therapist for support in how to best help your child navigate this new behaviour? He isn’t doing it on purpose, he can’t control his behaviours. The same way he can’t control his other autistic traits. Yelling can snap a child out of their behaviour but it can lead to them seeking out a different behaviour which might be just as challenging. What does he like to do that fills his sensory needs? Can you redirect him to a more positive behaviour? I know for my son he loves spinning when he’s sensory seeking, if he’s doing something that could harm him sometimes I can redirect him to a more positive behaviour like spinning. Whoever diagnosed him or whoever he is currently seeing for therapy or even if he attends a sensory group the leader will likely have great knowledge to share. Or you could find an autism help group local that could advise. Where I am there’s a charity that I sometimes phone if I need additional advice for my own autistic son or I speak to his therapists (he goes private as waiting lists here are insane too). Even a Facebook group of parents with autistic children could give your support and you’ll likely find someone who’s gone through it before who can share their knowledge. 
I feel you are overwhelmed and need additional support at this time. The postpartum phase is hard at the best of times but especially hard when it’s your second and you are realising you have to divide so much of your time between both your children. Unfortunately it’s part of having more than one child, not something that’s going wrong for your so don’t feel you are alone in this. It’s emotionally hard but it’s something you need to find a rhythm with as both your children need support and your son may be feeling like he’s not receiving the support he is used to. He needs you just as much as the new baby does and it’s easy for them to feel pushed off when they are only little like he is. I’m not saying that’s what you are doing at all but he might be feeling like that. You say you haven’t been able to spend time with him because the baby needs you but you have to make time for him. I know it’s hard but he really does need you just as much as the new baby honey. Hand baby off to your mum for a while and make the point of spending some quality time with him. He’s likely confused and feeling insecure about why you aren’t able to be with him. Or sit with him with the baby. I know you say he’s lashing out but it won’t get any better if he has no exposure or feels like you have abandoned him for the baby, his confusion, hurt and jealousy will grow. Can you speak to your doctor and see if there’s any additional support available for you postpartum? It’s different everywhere but he we have midwives or health visitors who can call out if you feel overwhelmed. Or any friends close by that you could reach out to and share your feelings with? 
It will get better but don’t suffer alone when your mum goes, seal out additional support now so it’s in place already. Sending love ❤️

Answer

I don't have a child with autism, but my oldest son would hold his breath. For him it was involuntary and he'd turn blue and pass out. No amount of telling him to breathe would do anything.  It was so scary and the first time he did it I actually thought he'd died. Seriously traumatizing! Anyway, his doctor told me to just remain calm, don't react with heightened emotions and to just make sure he was safe from falls — that after passing out he'd start breathing again. The doctor also told me he'd outgrow it and he did - but it lasted about a year.  So, I'd relax a bit about the breath-holding. 
Second, I'd try to schedule, in a predictable pattern, at least twice a day 30 minutes where you can focus completely on him one-on-one.  You need to make that time to reconnect with him and he needs it too.  I know it's hard when you have a baby.  But, for example, if he knows that every day he has his connect-with-mom-time after lunch and again right before bed, he may be a bit easier during the day.  Obviously you'd have to arrange whatever time works best for you. 
It also might help to have a chart or something he can visually see to know what to expect from his day — including when his mom-time will be. You can google "visual daily routine chart" to see what I mean. There are tons of free printable ones, or ones to buy, or fancy ones to make (in your spare time, right? 😂) This blog post seems to have some great thoughts about how/why visual charts for kids with autism work so well (they work great for all kids really!). https://www.merakilane.com/visual-schedules-for-children-with-autism-how-and-why-they-work/
Try to remember how hard all this is for him and that he has limited ways to manage his feelings, so hopefully you'll feel less resentful. He will eventually settle in and you guys will find your groove as a family.

How do I fix one the most important relationships in my life ? 💔

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