Feeling so guilty

I gave birth to my first baby 2 weeks ago. After watching so many videos of women giving birth and hearing people say ‘once the baby is out the pain goes’ I thought I would be able to hold and cuddle my little boy and be happy.

But this wasn’t the case, even after he came out I was still screaming in pain because my vagina felt so sore and was stinging. I was still using the gas and air even after he came out so I don’t remember exactly what happened next but I do remember holding him for a few seconds/minutes and then I remember him being put in the cot on the other end of the room. He was in the cot for about an hour just laying there by himself. Whilst I was getting stitches. The midwifes and my birth partner were busy with me so he was just there by himself. I keep thinking about it and how sad it makes me because I wish I could’ve just hold him. I feel so bad about it. Every time I think about it I start getting emotional. I feel like he came in to this world spending his first hour alone, not knowing how much he’s loved. I know I can’t change what happened and am making sure everyday he knows how much I love him. I just can’t find peace with what I did and really regret it:(