Constant Anxiety: wanna make it stop

Good morning everyone, as I write you I’m in tears.

I became I’ll with the stomach bug on Monday 03/21 which caused me to have random panic attacks for no reason, I was out of work from the 23rd and went back yesterday finally feeling a bit more like myself but the anxiety won’t go away 🥺

I usually medicate with cannabis but since I became sick the THC only makes my anxiety worse now so I can’t even find relief where I usually do 😞 I wake up anxious and fall asleep anxious for no reason and I absolutely hate it. I’m 21 and haven’t had my anxiety disorder act up since middle school…. I can’t stand it. I just want it to go away. The drs thought my disorder was in full remission until I got sick and it triggered it.

I try breathing and I try distracting myself, the only real thing that helps is crying about it while my boyfriend holds me but he’s at work today, I stayed home because I LITERALLY cannot function today… I thought maybe my body is still recovering so I slept in and it helped alittle but I just want this anxious feeling to go away so bad… my general doctor prescribed me busiprone for when I feel it coming on but I haven’t been able to take it since the stomach bug makes me throw everything back up…

When I was a kid I would cut myself to make myself feel better but i will not resort to that again. I destroyed myself with mutilation and when I was 17 I got laser therapy for the scars so they’re almost gone but still there as a reminder of how strong I am because I won’t resort back to that phase. But when I tell you I know why people kill themselves due to these feelings I cannot be speaking anything more true. This is horrible and it feels never ending. I just want it to stop but I won’t end my life. Im in control but I feel like im not.

If it helps I’m 21, just went through a pregnancy loss at the beginning of February (our second ectopic), my favorite uncle passed from lung cancer last January right after our first loss and I never got to say goodbye. My dog is getting there and I’m so scared. I think I have a lot of things pinned up in my heart or something. I just wanna feel better….. I think I need counseling

Any and all input is welcome even constructive. Please help me 😞🥺

(P.s. I feel a little better after typing all that out)