Hi everyone,

First time poster here. I am a FTM to a lovely DD who is nearly 6 weeks old. Little back story on us: - trigger warning emergency c section and the like.

I went in for induction 25/02 due to GDM and high levels of insulin (they were also worried about placental insufficiency). I started on pitocin and my body was not responding well to it. My contractions were too slow starting so I was on the max dose and then they came too quickly. I would get about 10 seconds inbetween contractions to rest before another started. The midwife said they are super strong but too close together. Finally at 6pm they checked me and I was 5cm (thank god I was in so much pain) so we went ahead with an epi.

All things were tracking fine, DD’s heart rate was good and I was doing much better after the epi. It was around 10pm when my next check was due, the midwife puts her hand in and tells the student to hit the emergency buzzer, her cord had prolapsed.

Rushed to theatre, epi was taken out in the room as I couldn’t move the consultants hand is still inside me all the way there, get into theatre, all the while the staff are calling DD’s heart rate is going down and down and down.

Finally get into theatre and right before they put me under for a general anaesthetic I hear “nil fetal heart rate, nil cord pulsations” and feel them slice me open then I was out.

Come to in recovery and no one can tell me DD is alive! I didn’t see my daughter until 1.30pm the next day. That night at midnight I went to breast feed her with my nurse and she had a massive convulsive seizure whilst on my breast. She wasn’t breathing and was foaming at the mouth. This happened another 2 times after this first one in the coming days.

During this time the nicu nurses said we couldn’t hold her because the monitoring for her brain waves had small needles sticking under the skin in her head and it would hurt her.

All in all she stayed in the nicu for 2 weeks after she was born and is now on anti seizure meds for now incase she has more. Her scans and tests have been ok since but we won’t know for a little while yet how much brain damage was caused.

The whole time we were in the hospital she didn’t feel like my baby. It felt like we were going to see someone else’s baby. This feeling hasn’t gone away 100% and we have been home for about a month now.

I love her so much, but I do struggle with feeling connected to her. Has anyone else experienced this?

When she screams now I instantly have flashbacks to the seizures, this is why we didn’t proceed with BFing, I am pumping and formula feeding her. It gives me so much anxiety…

Sorry for the long post, if you made it this far, congrats! Just looking for some reassurance and support I guess.