Hi everyone… It’s very hard for me to share this but I’m hoping it will help me heal a little if I start to tell my story. 😔

We said goodbye to our boy on April 2. 💙 We’ve been trying for our 1st for almost 2 years (the last 7 months of which have been with a fertility specialist). We were shocked when we found out our treatment/cycle had actually worked. We had 3 early ultrasounds with the specialist and then got released to regular ob/gyn care after the 3rd scan.

I begged for an ultrasound at my first appointment with the regular ob/gyn — thankfully, they did it, even though “normal” practice would have meant we’d have to wait 10 additional weeks for another scan. They noticed that something was “off” with the baby’s head and referred us to maternal-fetal medicine — we waited for 4 days to be seen… and at that appointment, they confirmed acrania/anencephaly.

Hardly anyone knew we were pregnant because I was terrified of miscarrying. 😔 I honestly hoped his heart would stop beating on its own before that maternal-fetal medicine appointment so we wouldn’t have to make the decision to say goodbye.

I had a surgical TFMR and was not sedated at all. I had only local anesthesia. I felt everything (the worst pain I’ve ever experienced), heard everything. I had to go to a clinic for the procedure because options are so limited where I live, unless you’re in an emergency situation… so I was surrounded by people who were there to terminate because they didn’t want their babies. I’m not judging those people (not my business), but it felt so wrong to be there when we had tried so hard for this baby.

I don’t know why I’m sharing any of this, other than I just don’t really know what else to do. Physically and mentally, I am a wreck. No one warned me that my milk would come in a few days after. I am still bleeding semi-heavily. And I am so mad/upset because I did everything right - took the right vitamins, had plenty of folic acid, neither of us have ANY genetic conditions or issues that could’ve contributed - and this still happened. I know life isn’t fair, but really... 😔

I’m so sorry to everyone in this group who has also struggled with a loss. 💔