Am I A Placeholder? Am I The Only One Compromising?

So I have trauma from my past relationship. My ex strung me along for 4 years. We both were in college but after a year he didn’t want to be with me but kept me along.

My current bf is in school for his doctorate. He finishes in May 2024. We both are dating for marriage. He told me he thinks 5 years is a good amount of time to date move in together and see how you mesh before getting married. I told him I personally think 3 years is max time to date and get proposed and that you don’t need to live with you partner before marriage.

He said that 4-5 years and moving in with one another you can see how you feel coming home to this person on a bad day or how this person’s cleaning style are like compared to yours. I told him that if you get married and then move in and your enthusiasm to come home to that person goes down after a few years of marriage then you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. Your cleaning style are important but shouldn’t break a marriage that’s bonkers.

I told him I’m not moving in with a man unless I am at minimum engaged. He asks “is that a big financial risk for a guy all to break up etc” and I told him that it’s a financial risk for him but a time risk for me. He can pawn a ring and give at least half or however back for it. I can’t get my time back so to feel secure that my time isn’t being wasted and I’m not getting played then yes a ring. It’s called comprise to me. We are both 26 btw.

I feel like he’s saying 4-5 years also because he’s in school. He told me “it will be worth the wait, I promise” and I’m just thinking how talk is cheap and I like to see action.

So I’m not sure if he’s saying the amount of years because he having me as a place holder until he finishes or what. Plus I feel like I’m the only one compromising. He’s in school getting his degree. While I am already a working professional making well enough money to take care of myself. I truly love him but fear that he’s using me like my ex. (I’d never tell him this). If all I cared about was just getting married I would just find a guy already establish and get it over with but no.

I’m afraid to get hurt and my time wasted. I’m secure with my life and lifestyle but so insecure on knowing who is wasting my time. He shows me everyday how much he cares for me by his actions but part of me can’t shake how men will literally stay with you just because. And know they don’t wanna marry you but string you along

Any advice on how on discernment? On if I’m a placeholder? On if I’m the compromising of anything?

Thx!