dreams

Hi there!

So lately I've been having dreams about cheating.

I dream, almost every night now, that I'm cheating on my partner.

what worries me is that it's always with thesame guy. A guy I actually did know once.

Even more so.. I had a FWB relationship with said guy, when I was 17-18 yo, while I had a relationship that I didn't really want to be in, but I was talked into by my family and friends. (he did everything for me and he'd go places and definitely my mom was pushing this because she felt like I needed someone to provide for me as she didn't believe I could make a future for myself. Thanks mom. I lived in my own appartement while I was still going to school because of emotional and physical abuse at home. I was already damaged with no sense of a healthy relationship) Eventually I did learn that my own happiness was worthwile and I broke things off. But I did cheat for a while and I know it was wrong and I do not have a desire to do that again.

I have been unhappy in my relationship for quite a while now... so much that I am very seriously so been considering leaving him...

I think my dreams may mean that I'm just sticking into this relationship for too long, with the result of me being absolutely unhappy. Just like the relationship I was in back then. we're together for 8 years, I have stepkids and we have a child together. I know that if I leave I won't see my stepkids anymore, whom I definitely love very much, so that really does make things a lot more difficult...

@mommaof4

Can I message you? it's just sooo much and I do wish to remain quite anonymous

#edit:

so since the beginning he's been very manipulative.. I didn't really stand up to it but it felt really wrong. like he'd tell me like we're one family now so our finances should be together and he felt really wrong about letting me pay in public so he wanted me to share my bank stuff like one month in so that he could pay with my card and not feel so humiliated. I had a lot of savings but we used that to buy stuff for our home. not something I planned to do but he convinced me it's the only way because his kids needed beds etc.. so beds, sofa, house wear, everything was bought with my savings and we (I) had to take a loan for a safety deposit for our rental home... I also had to sell my car to buy more stuff like a tv and PlayStation because his kids needed that.. I had to change my work times because his kids... Then I had to take more loans to pay his ex because he didn't have the money. I feel like he's emotionally abusive as well.. I'm not comfortable in my own skin yet he keeps making negative comments on my body and my eating habits.. like I've been moving more and eating less already but this week my period started I took some chocolate I got all this rant about how he doesn't want me to be morbidly obese (I weigh like 90 kg for 1m70 which I know isn't good but I'm working on it) yet whenever I tell him I want to do a hobby he doesn't want me to, whenever I tell him I want to go somewhere he insists to go by car.

Every time I make plans he finds a way to sabotage or reform them into something he wants to do. I feel like he doesn't value me like an equal, barely like a person.

like yesterday we went to his family and I spent quite some time being kind to my already severely damaged hair, trying to get it in check, yet it was not good enough for him and aparantly I wasn't making an effort to look good for HIS family. so he sent me back to fix my hair. just thesame with my shoes. then he told me to wear shorts under my dress so that I wouldn't flash anyone because of my dress, so I did. then while we were there he made comments on my shorts being visible... or he pushed our baby in my care all the time like I wasn't supposed to have any conversation with anyone and looking annoyed when I asked for his help. giving me very poisenous looks. Then I twisted my ankle on my heels (so bad that my knuckle actually touched the ground) with the baby in my arms, and I almost fell.. hurt my ankle really bad and he scolded me...

and there is just so much more..