Frustrated (tw sh, bullying, suicidal thoughts)

For YEARS I was in such an awful place mentally. I was suicidal and harming myself, definitely should’ve been hospitalized several times but I just hid it and sabotaged what few relationships I had that weren’t toxic after being bullied and rejected by my entire grade, including my friends. I finally got my life on a better path, and it isn’t constant, and I’ve figured out most of my problems on my own. I still can’t really manage my mental health but I can at least recognize and avoid certain triggers. And after this vicious uphill climb where I kept falling again and again, my parents finally cared to bring it up that they knew what was going on and that I need counseling. The place is going to call us back to set up an appointment but I’m so angry. If my parents bothered to see the signs earlier i wouldn’t have had to go through that. If they didn’t shut me out until they realized I’m almost 18 and about to disappear, I might not be covered in scars. If I’d been given resources to manage it I would have friends while still in school. I could’ve been popular and happy. And I feel completely undeserving because if that little kid who couldn’t even sleep at night and wore long sleeves all year didn’t deserve this, why do I? It’s bullshit and I want to scream. And after I’m 18 im probably going to have to pay myself, which I won’t be able to afford because my parents have tried their damnedest to keep me completely dependent on them.