Is this normal???

I have a question and ask please no hate. This is a sensitive subject for me and I only ask because I truly don’t know what normal is.

A little background, I was in an abusive marriage from 18-21 and finally got out. I don’t really know what normal is supposed to be in a relationship.

After my divorce, I went back to college. Found a sweet man and got married. I dated a lot, but was afraid of lust because that was how I was blinded to the red flags of my ex. So I married a man that I do love very much, but was not super physically attracted to. I definitely think he is cute and fun, but there isn’t that passion or chemistry. Now that we have been married for three years, I’m starting to worry a bit. He is an amazing guy, with an amazing heart, he is an incredible father, and I do love my life with him, but we just don’t have that chemistry…I can live without it, but I know he wants it and sees it lacking too. I think we had more when we were first married, but I don’t know. I feel so bad…is there a way we can change this? Make this better? Build better chemistry and physical attraction? I’m not going anywhere and he isn’t either because we do love each other and have so much we want to do together, but I really want to give him more….help? Ideas? And is this normal? Is it normal to have attractive feelings and chemistry die off over time? I worry any time there are even the smallest of issues due to my past and I worry we are headed down a negative path. I don’t want to ever be without him and it scares me to think if I don’t keep everything perfect I will somehow lose him.

To elaborate alittle…I’m not 100% sure what it is. I do feel attraction towards him. I want to have sex and have fun, but sex is always alittle awkward and doesn’t flow super well typically and I lose my interest quickly. In the beginning when we first got married, I didn’t have an overwhelming desire to have sex like most do. I was fine not doing anything. It was fine, we still had fun, but sex was hard for me. As weird as this may sound. My ex was awful, but before he became awful, sex was really good. It flowed very easily and well. I’ve never had that with my husband. It’s more uncomfortable and klutzy. He pulls my hair on accident, elbows me, jabs me with his hips, it doesn’t flow.

Also, he wants to grab me all day long. And not like just grab my butt, like try to grab my vagina and breasts. Given my history it makes me really uncomfortable. I’ll tell him to stop and he won’t. Sometimes I’m okay with it, but not often. I’ve gotten to the point now I don’t even really like to kiss him. I feel so bad because I don’t want it to be like this, but in my past relationship I was told all PDA was bad and so I’m not comfortable with it now. I used to like it years ago, but not since my ex…

I’ve been working on it and it’s improving somewhat, but on the worse days it’s still like this. I’d rather him just not touch me…

*Trigger*

Also I’ll add, my ex was sexually and emotionally abusive. He did assault me on more than on occasion and emotionally abused me until I was having suicidal thoughts to be free of him.