BF Changed His Mind about Kids…What do I do???

Question

Thanks in advance for reading…it’s LONG!! 
I feel so heavy right now and just need to talk. Kinda feels like I’ve been hit by a truck. We’ve been dating since November but much more serious since March. When we first started talking and dating he said he’d be open to having more kids or at least another one. He already has a 5 year old. We’re both 37. I do not have any kids but would absolutely love to be a mom more than anything and have always wanted kids. Just haven’t met the right guy. God has had a different plan for me I guess. I know I’m getting older and at this age, I’ve settled to the mindset of…maybe I won’t ever have my own kids and if I do, I’ll be happy to have at least one of my own. 
He just got back today from a trip with his daughter and parents. I had a training for work this afternoon and was going to go over afterward. We were texting about me going over tonight and then he said he didn’t want to blindside me but there’s something he wants to talk to me about and it’s just something and he hopes it’s nothing to worry about. I was like ummm ok…honestly thought he was going to break up with me or something. I was totally blindsided by him even saying that. I asked him if I needed to be worried cuz now I’m nervous lol…as I’m sitting in my training. He said no he’s not breaking up with me and he didn’t do anything bad. We’re just getting more serious and he wants to make sure we’re on the same page. Which is a good thing actually. I’ve been feeling like we need to have another chat. It’s been quite a while. It’s been on my mind too. 
When I first got there he showed me pics from their trip and told me about that. We talked for awhile and then he was like ok, let’s talk. He then told me the only thing that’s bugging him is that he was approved for a vasectomy in January. He hasn’t gotten the procedure done yet. He knows he told me in the beginning he’d be ok with another kid but then he decided on this. That was before things got very serious but now that they are more serious he couldn’t go longer without telling me because he knows I want kids. He’s been thinking about us and this and where things are going and he knows he told me one thing but feels another. He wanted to be completely honest. He said he’s been weighing this out in his mind for months and we keep getting more serious and he keeps falling for me harder. He knows this is probably a deal breaker for me and he doesn’t want to lose me but he feels he’s not being fair or honest by not telling me yet and doesn’t want me to feel betrayed or strung along or lied to…can’t remember exactly what he said at the moment. His parents know about it and told him he needs to tell me before things keep getting more serious. He knew that too and said he’s been stressing and struggling with this decision and doesn’t want to hurt me. He knows it’s a lot to throw at me and so much for me to process right now. He said I don’t have to make a decision today and he knows I need to think about it. I stayed a few more hours and we had a great time altogether. Then when I left he walked me out to my car and asked how I was and if we’re good. I told him I’m good and yes we’re good but I do need to think. He then said cuz then he’ll want to take the next steps in our relationship like telling his daughter I’m more than just a friend and that kind of thing. 
Now I just feel like things are weird between us or going to be until I decide. I’m so lost and don’t know what to say or do!!!! I love him and don’t want to lose him. I’m grateful he’s being  honest with me about what he wants but it’s also going to deprive me of my dream of having my own child. Our child. Some may say he’s being selfish, he’s not at all. He has his own desires too and I’m glad he told me. I also have my desires. He said he wishes he’d met me sooner and he would’ve had his kids with me but he can’t even imagine doing a baby again at our age. He’s past that phase. 
So basically I’m having to choose to stay or leave. Like this could all be over in a few days and that crushes me. I can’t even imagine. 
If I chose to stay I’m never going to have my own child. I’ll love his and treat her as my own though absolutely! And we’d move to the next steps in our relationship. 
If I leave, things will be over. I’m going to lose a man who I can see myself with for the rest of my life; who makes me so happy and whom I love. And what if I never find this again and when/if I do, I’ll be too old by then to have kids anyway?? Then I missed out anyway.
Any advice? Thoughts? Words of wisdom?? I want to talk to my parents so bad right now but they’re in another state/time zone and fast asleep lol. Plus I need some time to process before I talk to anyone. And I don’t want to cry 😁 I’ve held it together so far! Thanks for reading and listening. Just feel really heavy right now and needed to get this out 💜

Answer

No, hes not being selfish, if he doesnt want anymore children then thats fine. But its whether you do. 
Would he (and you) be open to adoption? Sperm donor? etc. 
If not, and he literally does not want anymore kids in any way shape or form, then you need to decide how important having kids is to you. Whether you’d be happier with him and his daughter, or finding a man you can start a family with. 
Its a tough one, but so is spending your life unhappy and regretting never having kids if thats what you truley want, like you said, time isnt on ladies sides unfortunately with having children so you cant hang onto a relationship for long if its not going to work with no children.

Answer

He is firm in his decision and he is choosing not having anymore kids over you. Just the same you would be choosing to have one over him. I’m not really a fan of making big decisions for someone else. I know he is not exactly and he is being upfront and everything, but he is drawing a line in the sand. He chose his dream. I would chose my dream and not let him ruin it. If you have ability to get sperm donor I’d leave this dude and follow my dreams. Good luck girl I’m sorry you are going through this.

Answer

It's cool that he's being honest, but it would've been better if he had been honest from the start. He lead you on because he liked you, and now his family guilted him into telling you the truth. Now you're invested, and you're torn between something you've always wanted and a guy that you're getting serious with. 
I'd break up. You guys haven't been together a year yet, and who knows how long the relationships going to last if you decide to stay. I don't know, I couldn't give up on the possibility of a dream I had long before him especially if he almost would've strung me along until it was too late for me. I guess you have to decide what's most important to you and make a decision based on that. Good luck with everything 😊

Answer

The only thing I’d say is make sure you are 100% okay with this decision. 
What if the relationship doesn’t work out as you plan, and down the line a couple years from now you break up or realize the relationship just isn’t working. Are you going to hate him and yourself for choosing him over a baby? Will you have the finances for a sperm donor or surrogate?

Answer

He’s firm in his decision. I think you guys should
Break up because pretending to be happy in a relationship knowing you want kids and just staying for the sake of settling with his decision will eat you alive. If it’s a deal breaker then so be it. If not then stay and maybe just forget about you wanting a kid. I can tell you’re torn and I can tell having a baby is what you want. I hope someone out there will love you like he does and also want to have a kid with you. This is a tough one and I hope you do what works for you.

Answer

He didn’t change his mind. He lied to you and telling you the truth now. His desires aren’t selfish but it’s selfish that he wasted your time & strung you along. I bet if you knew from the beginning you would not have become so close to him. Like he said he’s past that stage, so I assume he won’t be willing to adopt either. I would say move on. You deserve to have your own child. I would look into freezing my eggs if I were you and move on from him. It’s your life & decision though.

Answer

I started dating my husband when I was 38. I had my first at 39 and my second at 42. It is not too late to find someone who wants exactly what you want. I think it’s great that he’s being honest NOW, but I think he misled you. He may have been on the fence about it when you first started dating, but the pendulum was probably swinging in the wrong direction from the start. I’m very sorry you are going through this. I don’t have any words of wisdom. Maybe just try meditating and the clarity will come.

Answer

That's a hard situation to be in. If you know that you'd like to have a kid of your own one day and hes not looking forward into having another one, then maybe it's better to just part. He's being upfront with you right now, so take advantage of it. You don't want to be regretting it later along the road and may even hold it upon him or yourself.

Answer

I'm very sorry you are going through this.  I maybe wrong but to me this sounds extremely manipulative. He waited that long to tell you that he didn't want kids. He waited till you are settled and in love before telling you, why not be sincere from the start. It doesn't sound as if he ever considered having more kids. And if his parents wouldn't have told him to let you know he probably would have still dragged you along for longer. Is this kind of person really the one you want to give your dream of being a mum one day up for? If he really cares as much for you as he says he does he wouldn't have acted like this.

Answer

Well, I say just as he sat down and explicitly said what he wanted/felt, you should do the same. Tell him openly how much having a kid means to you, and what your hopes had been with him and that he has completely crashed them. If he sees how committed you are to what you want and that the risk of losing you is real, he may have a change of heart. Two people in a committed relationship shouldn’t be letting any hurdles come up between them, even over something as huge as kids - there should always be a middle ground to please both sides. P.S my mum naturally conceived me when she was 45 and my dad 52. You’re both still 37 and you don’t know what might happen later down the track. Plenty of men have said they dont want kids and then become the biggest doters of their child when their partner conceives. Tell him its unfair on you and him that he should let his past negative experience in a relationship ruin this one. Why rob himself, yourself and his 5 yo old daughter of another child in the family? You really need to sit down and have a long deep conversation again, and it may get heated and it may get ugly, but you’ll get everything off your chest and have a clearer way forward.

BF Changed His Mind about Kids…What do I do???

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