Trying to find me in all this

I have suffered depression and anxiety most my life as well has being very overweight when I was 18 I found me and I loved her for the first time I started at 307 a d got down to 155 from a size 26 to a size 8 I was happy and confident then at 21 I met my now husband and had to explain time and time again how I was overweight from age 7 to 18 and lost over a 100 pounds I had extra skin and this didn't make since to people my age and I started losing my confidence and pulling back on my healthy eating then just quit it and the exercise I was feeling depressed again as I noticed the wight coming back I tried random dites and couldn't get in the head space I needed then I got pregnant and my doctor was like nope and gave me a list of can and can't and I pushed on ward I was 205 pounds at that time after having my son I weighed 255 pounds as soon as the doctor said I could I started trying to lose weight I got back to my 205 and then people started saying why you doing that when you will probably just get pregnant again plus I fell hard into post partum for almost a year I felt like I couldn't breathe and I lost all respect for the women who now looked back at me in the mirror i was gaining more weight at this point I was 260 and my grandpa pasted away I miss him so much he was my rock and the only person who believed in me in my first journey of weight lose then covid and my depression came back strong I felt sick and tired and like I couldn't function I was now 340 pounds and hated how my world crashed around me and I was barely hanging on I decided to do better for myself I got to 330 and found out I was pregnant again I moved through this pergentcy different and only gained 20 pounds however I know hated my body more then ever i took better care yet this time had to have a c-section due to my body not going into labor after my water broke

I was sore for months I felt like I was in a battle for anything and now I didn't just hate the women in the mirror I couldn't stand her so I just stopped looking at her I just stopped caring for her I moved on from her not knowing who I was anymore for a year in a half this was my view point

I now weigh 347 pounds and am in a better head space I am trying to be better

I am trying to remember all the advice my grandpa gave me trying to do this for me because I can and I will that women I see in the mirror she is the one who carried my babies and sat up with them she is someone they love whole heartedly I need to care for her and love her my husband loves her to even when I couldn't he could

I will take care of her and get her healthy again she deserves so much more then what I have given to her the past 6 years

(I am already doing good eating healthy again and getting back to a good exercise routine

I am putting the vitamins I lost back and trying to do more self care for my body)