Shitty 12 year relationship

Where do I begin? I have been in a relationship with my first boyfriend since the age of 18. We were on again and off for the beginning 5 years of our relationship. The relationship is toxic. I came into this relationship a virgin with an illusion of what the relationship should be. At that age I was so naive. I thought this relationship was going to be sort of like the movies I watched on TV. I literally did not know any better.

Fast forward 12 years later and I am thinking about all the times I should've left. When he lied to me, cheated on me multiple times, became physical, is verbally abusive, and blames me for all of our problems.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I was so innocent and just to get back at him, I have become someone I am not. I have become him. Someone I never thought I would become.

I want to walk away from it all. I don't know where to start and who to ask for help. I make "too much" to receive assistance, but in reality it is not enough to take care of my girls and myself. Also, I am too prideful to go into a shelter.

We have two beautiful babies and I want to leave for them.

There's so much more I can write about, but it'll take time to unpack it all.