Cheating, baby, divorce..

My ex and I have been on and off for a good year now, he lives states away after we separated due to him being active duty military. He cheated on me after I had our daughter and jumped into a relationship with that women immediately. It definitely sent me through my darkest time and when we tried to reconcile its always ended in a huge argument where he cuts things off and gives me no communication for months. He eventually comes back around and we speak again but same old thing happens. I’m not healed from the cheating, and I don’t trust him or value his word. I need so much from him that he isn’t willing to give, and I wish sometimes it was easy to walk away. This hurts extremely because I allow him back in my life time and time again just for him to say our arguing is validation for why we’re toxic and should not be together. He’s in a place where he thinks I’m controlling and I’m in a place where since he lives 1,000 miles away I don’t trust him, which causes the fights.

He’s moving back home near me in a month and just wants us to “go with the flow” he’s made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship, mind you where married and in the process of divorcing (he filed) and doesn’t want me to move on nor want to be with me.

I’m battling depression, and all the bad things he’s done to me and my daughter.. like kicking us out of our home and turning his back on us for the other women still haunt me a year later..

I want my family together one day, he says regardless.. he’s going through with the divorce no matter what and just wants to focus on being a better dad for his daughters. He says he’s “changed” and that me constantly bringing up the cheating and fighting brings him down. He’s unhappy and I don’t know how to be civil and nice to someone who’s done so many horrible things to hurt me. I’m so torn because I’ve sat here for the past 9 months just waiting for him to come home, but I’m not over any of the things he’s done.. he doesn’t want me but also doesn’t want me to be with anyone else. He’s a “whatever happens happens” kind of dude.. and that doesn’t make me happy. I want more in my life, I’m looking to build a family.. I want to have a partner and someone I can count on. I never quite understood how a man can so easily walk away from their family, me as a women, I just could never.