These last 3/4 months have been so amazing for all of us, I’m sure. And I love seeing updates about all the babies in this beautiful group! I’m just here to check in on you, how is mama doing?

I had struggled to get pregnant - a history with miscarriages, and other shitty cards I was dealt - so when I imagined myself as a new mom, I was so confident that I would be “safe” from postpartum depression. I figured I had been so depressed from the loss of my babies, that when the day came where I was holding my baby, I just wouldn’t be at risk.

I’m here to say that postpartum depression comes in many forms. And it’s normal. Your body literally just created a human, grew and nurtured that little baby, then one day this vulnerable, fragile little bundle of love is placed in your arms. And now our bodies change again to care for our children. So many hormones are flying around our brains…they have been for a whole year now.

The first 6 weeks are honestly a blur. I was crying a lot, but definitely not in a sad way, my son makes my heart whole. He is my everything. I spoke with my mom when I realized my “baby blues” were still there, 2 months later. And that it wasn’t all happy tears anymore. I have such a crippling love that has developed. I love my son so much, my brain convinces me that he is sick, or that we will get in a car crash any time I put him in his car seat. I cannot allow myself to let others take care of him, sometimes even with my partner. Watching him in someone else’s arms makes me want to scream. My mom has offered to take him for me, but the idea of him being away from me overnight literally made me have a meltdown. So we haven’t spent more than maybe 5 hours apart from each other one day.

The line between depression and anxiety became invisible to me. I couldn’t tell where my emotions or thoughts were coming from. And even though I know I am not causing any harm to my baby, and I never will, I also know that he needs a happy mom. So I made an appointment with my doctor and sought out help. I’ve been put on medication, and it truly has helped. Once I was validated by my doctor, I opened up to my partner about how I was feeling. And I’ve been doing better.

Feeling like you’re going through tough times alone is the worst feeling in the world. If you’re struggling with emotions, please feel free to message me. Having someone to talk to that can empathize with you truly helps.

Pictures of my baby boy, Eli 🤍