How would you deal with this?

Question

So,  I’m engaged.  Let me just start there. & I am slightly embarrassed to talk about this but fu*k it.  We got engaged right before thanksgiving. Almost 3 years dating.  
Let’s dive in, shall we?!  Yesterday I did not receive a card, a letter, flowers, candy NOTHING.  On a major holiday.  On LOVE day!!  I was quite upset.  We are kind of struggling financially right now but I was able to buy him a couple things: card, some slides, a tumblr and a hat for work.  I did what I could basically cus I wanted him to know that I was thinking about him and that I love him.  I also got our daughter some things.  
One of my love languages is gift giving.  
I’m wasn’t expecting him to spend a whole lot of money on me.  Heck, he could have made a homemade card with some candy or something or some cheap flowers. I don’t care.  Or just the card would have been fine if he was actually broke.  But it’s the fact that, I didn’t get anything.  Not a ‘Happy Valentine’s Baby’ or anything. 
This happens more than I’d like to admit.  He missed my birthday once and had not planned to get me anything. He just don’t buy gifts for people… his excuse is always, he don’t have money.  But he doesn’t even TRY to get creative and he’s not ALWAYS broke, that’s a lie.  
He’s a good guy. I love him, of course.  My daughter who he claims as his own now loves him to death!! He’s great but I never go on dates,  he don’t do surprises or gifts.  He will buy me something at the corner store if I ask for it.  🤣 He’s just not the romantic type at all. And I am TOTALLY the romantic type.  I thought that since he’s such a great guy, that stuff wouldn’t matter to me but I can’t lie to myself.  It was highly upset yesterday and we argued over it.. he knows how I feel I’ve told him several times about gift buying on holidays and such.  I was certain he wouldn’t miss any holidays or birthdays again…. I was wrong. 
How would you deal with this? 
Please be nice in the comments, that’s all I ask.  💗🫶🏻 TIA

Answer

He’s said plainly he’s just not a gift person. My husband is the same. I explained to him yesterday that it isn’t about the actual money or the thing, it’s about the effort. A $2 chocolate bar is worth the same as a $20 bouquet to me. Maybe you just need to explain it to him that way. But you can’t change him and you need to decide if that’s a deal breaker for you. For me it’s not a big deal because i have my own money and if I really want something i just buy it for myself 🤷🏻‍♀️

Answer

🙄 my husband is literally the same. He doesn’t understand gift giving, he doesn’t like it in any way. It gives him anxiety that people will buy him something that he doesn’t want and he doesn’t want to feel awkward and so he thinks other people must feel the same. The reverse of this is me.. who spends months planning birthday surprises and Christmas surprises but it’s always a trip away or a massage or something that isn’t physical because I know he hates ‘stuff’ and prefers memory presents. Sooo he has to be told what to buy which defeats the whole object. He doesn’t get the surprise element and won’t put any brain power into coming up with anything himself. I think we just have to accept we will always be disappointed when it comes to this stuff.. it’s not their fault they don’t place the same importance on it that we do I guess 🙄😒 but sigh, I feel you.

Answer

Did y’all have a conversation leading up to Valentine’s Day about expectations? Many people think Valentine’s Day is just a scam, and don’t celebrate it at all. If you told him that you just want something small, even just something homemade and he didn’t do that, I’d definitely be upset. But if the expectations weren’t clear, then I don’t see anything wrong. It sounds like you two have different love languages and he’s struggling to show you love in your language. My SO and I also have different love languages, and one thing that helps is we have post-it’s in our bathroom with reminders. His says “walks and cuddles” and mine says “acknowledge effort and plan stuff”

Answer

Honestly my husband isn’t a romantic guy at all either. I’m a hopeless romantic on the other side of things lol. We’ve talked about our love languages quite a few times and he does make an effort however because his love languages are different it can be hard for him to remember/recognize that he needs to do something differently. He’s a very rugged masculine type of guy so honestly what really helped me was learning how he communicates love in his own ways rather than fixating on what I felt he wasn’t doing. As far as the going on dates and etc, I think most men drop the ball there big time if you let it lol. We currently only do at home date nights because our children are small and I’m still nursing one who won’t take a bottle, but we will get back to going on dates outside the home eventually. 
I know emotions run high but try to pick a time where you’re both calm and in a decent mood, and come to him rationally (so not in an emotional flurry, that does lead to arguing and arguing doesn’t typically produce productivity or solutions lol) and just express that you want a date night once a week or some kind of parameter that would work for both of you. For example, if it’s once a week- then every other week you plan the date and the weeks in between he plans the date.

Answer

How did your conversations leading up to Valentines Day go? You're not wrong to want to feel appreciated and it sounds like there are some missed cues here or uncommuicated expectations.

How would you deal with this?

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