I am horrible.

So there you go. I am horrible.

I am in a relationship I was ready to walk out on, for an entire year. I was preparing and saving money because of financial abuse.

My so-called partner now finally - when he realized that I was leaving him, and I was definite about it (He thought I was bluffing for a really long time) - is making the necessary changes.

I am still sceptical about the changes are to make me stay or that he's actively trying to be a partner but these changes give me more opportunities to be a person - I felt enclosed and locked in, just enough freedom to make it seem like I had freedom to outsiders. I felt oppressed in this relationship, there really was no room for me to be a person while he was living his best lush life - So call me a user.. but the longer I stay, the more time I have to save my money (we're splitting up the money because aparantly we have different life goals anyways and while I've been funding his lush life for the last 10 years he has no interest in ever buying a house with me so if I ever want a house, I need to do this all by myself.)

So anyway, I've been in this relationship still - while I've been out emotionally for such a long time - I looked for housing but there really isn't anything manageable (distance/budget- wise).

So what is making me horrible.. is that I fell in love with another man.

I'm not sure if he knows how exactly I feel but we've been in contact and I'm pretty sure he knows we're not just friends.

I should go no-contact, but I don't think I can.

I am still in this relationship that I'm not happy in so I really shouldn't take interest in any man for the next idk.. 2 years after breaking up with my current guy.. idk.. but I am not broken up yet.. idk..

I feel conflicted, I feel stuck. I do feel love and passion for the other guy but he's a bad idea however way you would look at it.