Pregnant and scared… past birth trauma

I just found out I’m pregnant again. This was not planned and honestly I’m a total mess.

I have medical issues and was told I was in early menopause but miraculously got pregnant (baby is now 6 months). long story short I spent the pregnancy in the hospital, on tons of meds, baby was born without a heartbeat and I nearly died. It was so traumatic. I had major ptsd and ppd. I have suffered major health consequences and my baby has been through so much.

My marriage has also been through so much and we were both traumatized from the birth and living in the hospital so long with scary developments day to day then watching our baby in the NICU.

At 6 months postpartum we finally had a moment of needed connection and had sex the first time since the birth. It was so stupid that we didn’t use protection, but we had been so used to years of infertility before our son, I hadn’t had my cycle return yet, and we were caught up in the moment after we had been so distanced since the birth. it was a few weeks before my husbands vasectomy 🙄.

Anyhow I just took a test. I’m pregnant. And I’m terrified. I can’t go through that again and I was already told the damage to my uterus is really bad and it wouldn’t be safe to have another any for my life or theirs. The ptsd and trauma alone I feel could kill me. I have barely made it to be here for my son. It’s been a battle.

I’m sharing bc I don’t even know what to do or who to talk to. If anyone who understands birth trauma has any advice or experience I’d really appreciate it. Please don’t leave judgemental comments.

Edit - you are right that my doctors sucked, but it’s not on my doctor that I’m pregnant, that’s on me. My husband scheduled a vasectomy right away, which was more of an emotional reaction from him than anything else at the time, and 6 months was the earliest the clinic had available. And yes I’ve had a lot of postpartum complications, including sepsis initially, and still dealing with nerve damage, bladder and bowel issues and worsening of underlying conditions. but we only just found out about the extent of the uterus damage bc I had a scan, and as timing would have it I got those results after we had sex. So basically no doctor had a reason to discuss that until now.