One person says “water under the bridge” but the other person is still hurt/upset. What do you do?

Question

My husband and my side of the family don’t get along, don’t have the same values and don’t see eye to eye. My husband is also more confrontational than the rest of my family and so he will say what he feels and it often comes off as offensive. This makes family members (mom, dad, brothers) upset and stand-off-ish and they don’t want to talk to him. They want to forget it and move on. This makes my husband more upset like they’re ignoring him. My husband isn’t the forgive and forget and move on type unless there has been a serious conversation first. Since this never happens, he doesn’t forget, nor forgive since apologies are not issued. People on my side of the family, like my dad for instance, say “water under the bridge” and he wants to move forward. But my husband is not in the same mindset. What do you do when one person is ready to move on and the other is still upset?

Answer

I think it depends on the circumstance and what the fight was about. You have to pick and choose the hills you want to die on and understand not every “conflict” will be your way. I just had an issue a few weeks ago w my sister. She was upset about something and while I genuinely didn’t agree with why she was upset, I made amends bc I realized it wasn’t that big of a deal to me and her feelings meant more to me than “winning” that tiff or feeling like I came out with all my needs/point of view addressed. There are certain things, though, that no matter what the cause, I wouldn’t be like that over. 
IMO, your husband needs to learn that different people have different communication styles and social preferences and he needs to lay off unless a serious offense was made. If he has a more confrontational personality and doesn’t want to tailor his disposition to your fam, he shouldn’t expect them to tailor their dispositions of internally processing and quietly moving on. But letting each and every minor scenario of tension consume you to the point where you insist it must be dealt w your way or you refuse to move on sounds like more of an ego problem than seeking a solution

Answer

It sounds to me that your husband is a more direct speaker, your parents aren’t so they take offense, then he gets mad they’re offended, your family is willing to shake it off, and then your husband refuses to let it go? Is this right? I think your husband is the problem. I’m a more direct/confrontational communicator than my mother in law is. She used to get offended by things I’d try to communicate with her and I’d just ignore her and think she’d have to get over herself. I eventually realized I was in the wrong and I needed to adjust my approach to her since she is more sensitive. Family is going to do and say things that get on our nerves sometimes. We don’t have to confront every little thing someone does in the name of being honest or direct. His intentions may be honest and kind, but his impact is having a negative effect. If your family is willing to let their offense go, your husband needs to drop it and move on. He also needs to learn how to be more diplomatic and change his approach with them. I’m assuming these are over small and petty instances and not something big though. If these instances are over something bigger, then your husband needs cut out of the equation altogether and you should be handling your family.

Answer

There's nothing you can do. They have to be able to resolve things between them. Your husband doesn't want to rugsweep the issues and that's understandable. There has to be some sort of compromise.￼ Everyone has the right to be respected even during conflict, so if your husband isn't doing that, your family has the right to not want to interact with him. So maybe that's why they just want to move forward, because they don't feel they can have a respectful interaction with him￼. If your husband could bring about his issues in a respectful way, I bet they would be a little more receptive. ￼

Answer

Is your husband holding grudges over petty bullshit or is something more serious going on?

Answer

Sounds to me like your husband is the problem. He needs to learn to get over things and stop bearing grudges.

One person says “water under the bridge” but the other person is still hurt/upset. What do you do?

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