Idk what to put here. I think im being overly insecure.

I tried writing this earlier and I left the app for 2 seconds and it deleted everything I’d written. So I’m gonna try to condense it.

I am 18, pregnant, and engaged. The pregnancy was (mostly) planned. My relationship has been healthy and we have communicated on our issues up to now. We only had minor disagreements here and there. He’s never given me a reason not to trust him.

Let me start with two things: we have both agreed since before we even got together, that 1) porn is a no-no. It’s nasty. Not the sex itself, but the things the porn industry promotes. And 2) no phone checks bc ew, that feels kinda toxic.

And again: he’s done NOTHING to cause me to think he’s not being loyal or anything like that. I am just very insecure right now. I was only 6 months recovered from an eating disorder when I got pregnant. I was 98 lbs and now am 120ish. It’s not a lot but every pound is noticeable on a small body like my own. I’ve been taking care of my body and eating when I’m hungry and eating a lot because I want my baby to be healthy. However that doesn’t mean I’m not insecure about how I look. And I know someone who knows me intimately can see it as well. He doesn’t mind at all though.

Another thing to note cause idk if have noted it at all here, is that my sex drive has completely diminished since I got pregnant. So we haven’t really had any sex at all.

Anyways the other night I suddenly got hit with a strange bout of anxiety about girls sliding into his dms and stuff. And then I’m scrolling tiktok and one of those BS tarot readings pop up. (Keep in mind I’m a tarot reader myself.)

And the video is like “he’s hiding something from you” and some of the specifics it gave hit too close to home.

But I’m not gonna check his damn phone. 1) he hasn’t given me reason to want too, 2) again I’ve never been the type to do that anyways.

But what I can do, is check his Insta following. I didn’t see a problem with doing that, bc people do that to other ppl they like, knew in school and stuff all the time. So I did, on my phone from my account. And it’s all his friends and stuff.. except one account. It’s a provocative cosplayer. Not just a cosplayer; straight up provocative shots. Only sexy stuff. But it’s not pornographic. So technically he didn’t break any of our rules/trust.

And at first I was like, eh it won’t bother me. And then it did. I scrolled her account and saw the pictures his username popped up next to “like this post”, I saw the dates he’d like the posts. Some of them were from days he had been with me ALL day. When had he found time to do that? Also, the dates he’d like the posts only dated back to about the time we stopped having sex. That also made my brain spiral.

So of course it hurt my feelings. A pretty, sexy woman with a small tummy/waist; getting his attention?

And after a lot of overthinking, I started crying. A lot. I was like, inconsolable. And he’d been asleep because it was late. He tried to console me at first because it’s not unusual for me to cry randomly lately. But eventually I muster up the courage to bring the account up. And he knew exactly what I was talking about. He told me that he only followed her for her gaming content and that he only liked her posts when he was mindlessly scrolling (which I find a little hard to believe, after so many pictures.)

And again, we both have the no-phone check rule. We always have; unless given reason to be suspicious I guess, idk. But with my hysterical crying, and him not being fully awake at first, he thought I had checked his phone. And he got really upset about that and turned his back to me while I’m still crying my eyes out. Now I understand being upset over like, overstepping boundaries and a lack of trust. But his reaction to something I didn’t even and wouldn’t ever do; it freaked me out more. I was already upset, and him getting so upset that I may have checked his phone made me overthink 10x more in milliseconds. So I got up and went and cried in the bathroom with the door locked.

Eventually, he did slide a note under the door apologizing and telling me he missed me and loved me and to please come back to bed. I text him and tell him that I will only come out if he lets me speak and explain why I was so upset. So he agrees. And I explain my complex, racing thoughts to him and how that led up to looking at his following list and seeing her and why it upset me so much. He informs me that while I was in the bathroom, he did unfollow her (and I checked, he did.)

We talk it over and I think I’m over it and that anything like that won’t be a problem again.

Then today, after a few days of not talking to anyone, my best friend and I are texting back and forth and filling each other in on our last few days. And i mention it to her. She didn’t really say much so she didn’t sway my thoughts. I began overthinking again and decided to check on his socials just because (and yes I know I shouldn’t have, I should be trusting him.)

I know he deleted tiktok the other day because he spends a lot of time on there. However after I calmed down, I went to Reddit to scroll and noticed that his account (the only account that follows me) has been deleted. So not only did he delete his Reddit APP, he manually deleted his account in the last 2-3 days.

I know this all started because I was being irrational, but should I be worried? I know he’d never physically cheat on me. But ??

Anyways that was a lot of rambling. Give me your thoughts I guess.