What happened last night

Hello.

I haven’t posted in here in a very long time, but somethings happened recently and I can’t talk to anyone I know about it because it has serious implications.

Anyway….

I went out last night with two of my guy friends. One of them I went to high school and college with. We’ve been friends for years. He helped me plan my wedding, bought me my first drink after the divorce. He’s someone I’ve relied on for a while. There’s been some sexual tension, but every time we start to cross over to more than friends it blows up. So we agreed to just be friends. The other guy (well call him B) was his best friend, and someone who I also know really well.

Anyway, I had 5 Tito’s and tonics, a shot of fireball, and a cocktail. My friend had been sipping on beer mostly, but had the cocktail and the fireball shot with me, and B was a few cocktails and a shot in as well. Me and B were both pretty drunk, and dancing around the bar (it’s a karaoke bar) while my friend played pool.

B suddenly had the great idea that we should get another drink. He’s a big party guy, and wanted us to split an AMF. I’d never had one before, and being as drunk as I was, I took one sip and ended up chugging it.

The next thing I remember, I was waking up in my bed.

Now, I’ve since heard three tellings of what happened after I blacked out.

B checked in on me first, and said I chugged the drink, quickly was unable to stand, so they each took an arm and took me to the car, and my friend took me home.

The next person who checked in was my best friend, we’ll call her M. She asked to meet me for coffee, asked me if I was ok, and said I’d messaged her something about having sex. She said the messages were incoherent and she couldn’t figure out if I really had or not or what I was talking about, but she wanted to make sure I was ok either way.

I explained to her everything was black, and I couldn’t remember what had happened after the last drink. So we started walking around. There’s a spot I used to go to with my my friend, that me and M now frequented. As we were walking, I remembered having been there the night before as well, with my friend. M is now very worried that my friend, who was relatively sober, took advantage of the fact I was blacked out drunk.

The third person I heard about the evening from was the friend in question. After M left, he met me for coffee. I was a bit nervous at first, not knowing what had happened but when he got there he seemed normal. We laughed about the stuff I did remember, and eventually I explained that I had blacked out after the last drink. He asked me what I did remember, and I told him that was all. He asked if I remembered being at the spot with him at all and I said no, and asked what had happened after the last drink. He said they got me in the car and we started driving, but that I had passed out. He said he was worried I’d died or something and tried to wake me up. When I finally woke up he said I asked him to take me to the spot. So we went. And then he took me home.

He didn’t say anything about what happened at the spot.

Anyway, since all of this has happened, I’ve been trying really hard to remember.

And then I did. I remember him holding me up as we walked to the spot. I remember us sitting on a picnic table and he was saying something. I remember he kissed me and took off my tights and he had me lay down. I remember I wasn’t really sure what was happening. And then things go blurry and the next thing I remember I was bent over the table. I still wasn’t quite sure what was happening. And then I remember it was over and I was trying to pull up my tights, but he was walking away. I don’t remember the car ride home. And then I woke up in bed.

I can’t tell M cause I’m not really sure what to make of it. I don’t know what the situation was. I don’t know if I seemed sober, and we had been talking about something and it had seemed consensual from his point of view, and maybe he didn’t mention it because he felt bad he hadn’t realized how drunk I was?

Or maybe he’d been drunker than it seemed and it just kind of happened?

I want to ask him about it but I don’t even know how to go about it, and I’m worried about what he might say.

I wanted to check here first for outside opinions and advice from people that don’t know me before I say anything to the people who do.