PLEASE HELP LONG RANT PLEASE COMMENT

I’m currently 6 months pp with my first baby that I PRAYED, CRIED and SCREAMED for and the whole experience with her father/my boyfriend has made me wish I never had her and the fact that I feel this way swallows me with guilt, makes me feel like I’ve betrayed my daughter, I’m a HORRIBLE mother and I would rather be dead than alive.

I am being treated for postpartum depression currently and I do not have ANY thoughts of hurting my daughter and never have.

He abandoned me my whole pregnancy practically was always hanging with friends or playing his video game. He never helped me set anything up for her, get anything sort or organized and didn’t go to any appointments. He ruined everything for me. The day before I went in to be induced I cried ALL night because this wasn’t how I wanted things to be. He said when the baby is here he’ll be better because she’ll be a real person out in the world. He begged and cried in the hospital room when I said the baby would be getting my last name and he manipulated me into giving her his last name, saying things would change. The first few days were fine, then he stopped helping with her and the whole 6 weeks he was off he played his video game and went out with friends or smoked weed. Fast forward 6 months later nothings changed we fought time and time again, I tried ending our relationship and he told me he would kill himself. He said he would change things would be different. He doesn’t help with her at all, I go days with out showering. I love my baby to death but I HATE him for ruining this for me. I’ve always wanted to be a mother everyone around me and everyone who knows me knows that, and the fact that I wish I never had a baby is even something that crosses my mind is awful. I tell myself I would be better off bc all he does is clutter my mind and my space. I have a fantastic support system and he supplies me with no money and supplies her with nothing. I know what I should do but I want to know others opinions please. No judgment, I’m a struggling mother and I DO love my daughter so deeply.