My best friend of 4 years is becoming toxic.

Apologies if this isn’t the right group for this. I tried posting on Reddit but it wouldn’t allow me so I came here. That’s why this is in Reddit format. Fake Names.

To begin, I have been friends with Tegan for around 4 years now and in the last 6 months there has been an incline in our arguments between us. It had began shortly after I reconnected with an old friend and Tegan had went from skeptical about him to being his 1# fan. I will admit that bothers me a bit because while I had told her that I was going to take things slow and suggest she do as well, she seems to have forgotten my past with him and my concerns.

1) It first began when all three of us were on call and she had mentioned an ex friend to which I then also mentioned 20 mins later to her complete confusion because she had apparently forgotten even saying his name. I promised her she did bring him up, she was dead set on denying it and started arguing with me in front of our friend. I later told her that was inappropriate for us to do and that she absolutely did mention that ex friend but that’s not even the issue anymore. To me I felt like she was trying to convince me that it never happened and to her she felt well idk what she felt but apparently (and I’m just finding this out at least 6 months later) she had a nightmare the night before which caused her to have a bad memory. I don’t remember much but I do remember being the only one to apologize.

2) Two weeks ago, we were on call with our friend again and for the second time in a row she started an argument in front of him about how I had time to scroll through tiktok but didn’t have time to listen to a video of her singing. She wouldn’t accept “I’m busy moving houses” as a response and I just hung up. She knew I was in the middle of moving while also babysitting a 4 month old baby. What’s so upsetting is that a couple weeks beforehand, the same event happened except the roles were reversed. I had a poem I had written I wanted her to give feedback about and she couldn’t give me any response other than “it was good” which was really unlike her because we are both typically really responsive about each others projects. She got upset with me for being upset and I apologized but when she did the same thing, she was somehow not in the wrong at all. I once again asked that she comes to me privately instead of starting drama right in front of our mutual friend only to find out that as soon as I hung up the phone, she started talking about me which to our friends credit, he seemed to shut down pretty quickly. While we were arguing things were brought up that happened weeks even months ago that I apparently did wrong but she never came to me about. All of them being things that she assumed had upset me when in reality only two of her reasons I was actually upset about and the rest were weird assumptions that she never asked for clarifications about. One assumption is that I was upset when she asked what her ex did that was so wrong so I told her. Never changed my tone to be upset, it was more surprising that she again was thinking about what her ex did to her and wanted me to walk her through her exes actions. All of her reasons for me being upset were almost all false and in reality she was the only person upset and I had absolutely no clue there was anything wrong. To me it feels like she’s projecting her upset feelings onto me so that she’s justified in being upset. “They’re upset so now I can be upset”

3) The last argument we had was a few days ago when she once again, did something to make me seem a total jerk. She had talked about her experiences with CBD gummies that got her high referring to the night I had to calm her down because to my knowledge, CBD can’t get you high so I asked if maybe she was experiencing a placebo effect and that if she didnt think so much about the high feeling she wouldn’t feel so high. I guess when this happened 6+ months ago she assumed I was gaslighting her. I had no clue abut this until she “jokingly” told our mutual friend that I had gaslit her. Before she could even explain she had to leave so I had to explain everything to our mutual friend. I then asked to call her and told her that I didn’t appreciate jokes like that being made and that I felt like it could be damaging to my relationship with my friend but most importantly I just didn’t like being talked about that way. I told her again that I don’t appreciate this being done in front of our friend and him being brought in the middle to which she, ignoring the three times I asked her not to involve him, went right to him and asked if he thought what she said was mean which wasn’t the main issue. The main issue being that I do not like being spoken about that way. The argument lasted around 6 hours where I would tell her what the issue was and she would hyper-focus on the thing I briefly mentioned in the call 6 hours earlier, that being that I was worried about it affecting the relationship with our friend. Six hours later of me telling her straight out “the issue isn’t this its this” she seemed to finally understand and acted dumbstruck as to why it didn’t click. She still tried putting the blame on the both of us for being so emotional but I told her I didn’t see how I could’ve handled this any better because I did not do anything wrong. I asked her to keep our fights private and she could not accept that boundary.

More things she’s done:

-Assuming I’m upset when I’m not/never asking for clarification

-Assuming some absolutely wild things about my childhood trauma/never asking for clarification

-Telling her Mom about my childhood trauma after asking her not to

-Talking to me on several occasions about a triggering topic and has attempted to mask what the topic was about so that she could talk to me about it. The topic being autism. She thinks she’s autistic, she also thinks I’m autistic and there’s just a past with me hyper-fixing on being diagnosed that its just become something I don’t want to touch for a while.

-I’ve asked for years that we work on our communication and I’m the only one actively working on it and making any differences.

-When I make mistakes in our friendship, I am expected to make changes which I do but it is almost never equal.

-She holds me to some intense standards. Getting upset that she drops everything she is doing (school, work, clubs, etc) to talk to me but I don’t do the same. I have never asked nor expected that kind of treatment but apparently its become a huge issue that I couldn’t get to her song for a day. This is I believe the only time I have not responded to something she sent within an hour. I am also in charge of the life of another human being during the day and will not sacrifice her wellbeing for Tegan’s. Tegan can take care of herself, the 4 month old I babysit literally can not do anything for herself right now. Not to mention, I was in the process of moving houses and had to help load and unload everybody’s furniture.

-She only brings up things I’ve done wrong when it benefits her in an argument even when the argument had nothing to do about it and I never knew it was an issue.

-Accused me of intentionally hurting her to get back at her for the poem ordeal when I said “now that the video thing happened, you should understand why I was so upset about the poem”. Instead of asking for clarifications she assumed the absolute worst after 4 years of friendship. I have never done anything to make her think I would ever do that to her so I don’t understand at all. She tried comparing that to me telling her that calling me a gaslighter made me feel like an asshole. I didn’t accuse her of doing it intentionally so I don’t understand how that compares. I also made it a point to say it made ME FEEL so she knew that I wasn’t accusing her.

-Took someone my Father said once as gospel to which I told her a dozen times not to. When things didn’t work out the way she wanted, she got upset at me for making her feel stupid because I told her I had warned her to take what he said with a grain of salt.

There’s more but my brain feels fried so I have only included to big bits.

Am I overthinking this or is this friendship starting to become toxic?

I’m at my wits end and don’t know what to do.

I talked about it with my therapist but was cut off due to the time and she didn’t say much because it was mostly me filling her in on whats been happening.