How do I explain we’re not going?

Question

For context my dad is an addict and lives alone. I gather my fiancé doesn’t like him because of his choices. For thanksgiving I went to my aunts, he went to his moms. I spent the night of at my sisters because she invited my dad for dessert. My fiancé said he wanted to have a few drinks at his moms so couldn’t come to my sisters. 
For Christmas the plan was Christmas eve at his moms then morning opening gifts at his moms with his nephew(we’re all staying the week) then go to my moms for dinner. 
My sister invited my dad and grandma around 11 and then invited us. I let my fiancé know and he said “we’ll see”
My mom texted me to ask if we were going and I said I wasn’t sure. She asked why and I had no answer so I said that I thought we had a Christmas morning breakfast(ie just immediate family) She immediately was like “they do a lot, Christmas eve, Breakfast then Christmas Day dinner”. She always feels my fiancés family comes first and does a lot as they host all holidays. 
What do I do? I can’t get to my sisters unless my fiancé drives and I gather he doesn’t want to go.

Answer

Your fiance sounds like the problem here. He doesn’t have to like your dad. He has to respect you and your wishes. If you want to see your family for the holidays, then that is what should happen. This behavior is a big red flag for me. He’s isolating you from family.

Answer

Your fiancé is selfish and you are letting him get away with it. It’s not all about him and what he wants. Sometimes in life, you just have to suck it up and do things you don’t want to do. If he really loved you or had respect for your family, he’d go to this one dinner regardless if your dad is there or not. You can’t just go only to his family events and not yours. If this is how it’s going to be every holiday, this relationship won’t work.

Answer

Someone who loves you will prioritize your family

Answer

I think there’s a lot here. My husbands father started using drugs a few years ago. Even prior to that It was hard for me to be around him. I hated going to their house. Something just felt so off about it and I hated being there. Besides the drug use there were other issues, and Not only that but they were always kind of rude to me. It got to the point that I was going to stop going, and then we found out about the drug abuse and also domestic violence. I wouldn’t have stopped him from going, but I didn’t want to go at all anymore. We had to communicate honestly with each other about everything and just as he had to be okay going alone, I had to be okay with him going without me and spending holidays alone. That worked for a minute but Eventually he decided that he didn’t like to be around his dad either.
Prior to that his family was always accusing us of spending more time with my family. “Your perfect family” they would spit at us. It wasn’t true they just always said we spent more time with mine than them. We were always trying to split our time evenly so that no one felt slighted. We spent an insane amount of time trying to make it to every birthday and Christmas party, and spend just the right amount of time at Sunday dinner. It was insanely stressful and we always fought around the holidays because we were trying to live up to what was expected of us. When we had kids that was a turning point. We decided that we needed to do what WE wanted and not what everyone else expected of us. It completely changed our holidays. I wished we had done it SO much sooner. 
We are always grateful for an invite, but we only attend functions that we want to and we let everyone’s comments roll off our backs.
That said, I am also a homebody and just sometimes don’t want to deal with people. My husband likes to socialize and i have to respect that. Sometimes I have to put my big girl panties on and deal with it for him. I usually have a good time anyways, but if I don’t, I just don’t go the next time and my husband also respects that about me.
You guys need to talk this out, get to the heart of the matter. 
I also have a cousin, her husband is a great man but her mom hates him. He has never ever come to a family party And that works for them. They’ve been married 15 years. She brings the kids and he hangs out at home. You’ve just got to communicate wants and wishes with each other to find what works for YOU BOTH and not conform to the expectations of everyone else.

Answer

If it was me I would call him out on his bullcrap. He is being petty and not being fair. 40 minutes isn’t a long drive. You can spend time with family and be back on a day. It’s not fair that you spend all your time with his family and not yours.

Answer

Your fiance is the problem. He's an asshole

Answer

Sounds like this relationship isn’t going to work since there’s zero compromise. But if he doesn’t want to drive you, Uber?

How do I explain we’re not going?

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