Ranting.. venting.. whatever this is. I just need a place to put it at.

I’ve been feeling horribly down for a while now. I’m not sure if it’s my job (I changed schedules about six months ago and now do overnights) or my relationship with my husband or even just my kids and home in general.

I’m feeling like I can’t do it anymore.

I’m tired of not being happy, I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of my life being a mess, of my house being a mess. I’m tired about worrying about bills or putting food on the table. I’m just beyond tired of everything. I’m so fucking stressed. And every time I feel like I pick up every little piece they just fall right back on the floor in 1 billion more pieces.

I’m honestly not sure how I wake up every morning.

And before anymore suggest it, yes, I’ve tried therapy. I’ve gone for over a year and paid 300$+ a month for it. it didn’t help one bit but make me SHIT broke.

I have no one to talk about it with.. hell after we moved to NC 3 years ago, I don’t have friends. there’s no family I’m close with. so there’s no one I have.

Every time I talk with my husband about it he says that’s all I talk about or that he’s fed up with me saying “I’m tired all the time.” (I hardly talk to him about this because he comes out saying this. So I don’t even bother.)

I can’t even sigh without him saying “what now? What are you sighing about? There’s literally no reason for it.” Or the “you get me fucking depressed every time you start with that. What’s wrong now?”

Like what else am I supposed to do? Just keep bawling it up inside? I have to fucking breathe to let out the frustration. It’s either I breathe or I scream. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And then there’s my kids. I have four. A 10y,9y,7y,4y. They destroy or break everything. It doesn’t matter whose it is. Or how long ago we bought it. They get into everything. Mind you.. I know they’re just kids and they’re just learning but it’s so hard when you spend money on something when you know you definitely don’t have enough money to replace it and when you ask them not to touch it, they do it anyway and break it to the point beyond fixing. Or they reck the house completely and when I ask them to pick it up they give me such a hard time and don’t even do it. It’s the same thing with my husband. He gives me such shit sometimes just to help do things or he will only do it if people are coming over.

And then there’s my job. I changed in order for me to work because my parents refused to watch my kids anymore after I had a fallout with my dad (that’s a whole other story in itself) I used to close. It was pretty easy and I loved it. But then after they refuse to watch them I had to only work 3 days. So I changed it to overnights in order for me to work more. I work from 9-6, 6 days a week.



As soon as I get out from work, I have to take my husband to work, then take my kids to school, then get everything situated at home(feed the dogs, cleanup, etc.) so by the time I get to sleep it’s 12 o’clock. Most days I only get to sleep two hours before I have to pick up the kids at 3:45pm.

I’m just tired of having to choose between sleeping and being a mom/cleaning my house. If I work consecutive days, 90% of the time I miss out on sleep. There would be months where I would get two or three days of sleep out of a week. Sometimes I have to choose to stay up and clean or go to bed.

That alone has been killing me.

It’s like that one movie where she plays out her whole day.. her birthday only to be killed and have to restart it. It’s routine, but without a blink or a commercial.. Because every day I come back home it starts right over. The mess.. the lack of sleep, the trying to catch up, the letting my emotions get the best of me. The depression., and then the negative thinking.

It just makes me regret so much.

I’m so close to not being able to do it anymore. I’m just to the point where if someone says one wrong thing I’m gonna jump off of a fucking bridge. 

Ugghh..