What to do about SO drinking problem?

Question

I just need to rant or maybe even some advice because I honestly just don’t know what to do anymore. My husband is my best friend and I love him dearly. He is a very hard worker and does a lot for me. I love our relationship but it is not perfect by any means. To begin, we have been together for almost 6 years and I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with our first child. I am 21 and he is 24. Over the years, he has developed a drinking problem and it has done nothing but get worse and he is In denial about it. He is becoming an alcoholic. He will buy half gallons of bourbon that will only last a few days. He will buy 5ths of tequila that will last him 2 nights. Basically once 4:30ish hits, he is making him a drink and will continue drinking until he is wasted. He can’t just have 1 or 2. Now my husband works out of town and is home on the weekends. Every night that he is home he drinks. Even when he is out of town he will get drunk at the hotel bar or maybe have a few drinks at dinner. Maybe not every night but still. I am honestly worried about him and our future and how things are going to be when the baby gets here. He knows how I feel about the drinking but he justifies it but saying, “I’m not an alcoholic because I still work everyday and I never slack on my work.” Or “I don’t wake up and drink all day everyday” or “I just want to relax and this gives me relief from being stressed” or “I don’t drink much when I’m out of town and when I’m home I just want to have a bourbon and chill” and the list goes on. He always has some way of justifying it or making it not seem that bad or playing it off like it’s not a big deal. Alcoholism has always been a problem in my family and he knows how I feel about it. I have tried to explain how I feel about it but he gets defensive and upset and makes it seems like I’m being dramatic so I don’t really know how to have a conversation with him about this that is actually beneficial. When he drinks or is drunk, he isn’t mean or abusive but he is sloppy, loud, a bit aggressive when angry, and just kind of all over the place. It’s a lot to handle especially while being pregnant because I already have a lot going on and I’m constantly tired, irritated, and in pain. During the day or while sober he is completely different and will do anything in the world for me, when he is drunk he can still be sweet and want to help me but it just pisses me off and disgusts me because he is drunk. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t really have any friends to rant to or get advice from and I’m worried about when the baby gets here because I can’t handle him like this or being drunk all the time around the baby. I’m also worried about his health and this progressing and just getting even worse. He knows he drinks to much but he doesn’t think he has a problem. I’m just feeling very alone, defeated, stressed, and upset😔

Answer

I feel i could have written this 15 years ago. My husband was an alcoholic. When we were younger and before i was pregnant i didn't find it to be a big deal we all partied together and that was the only time he would drink. I got pregnant and it quickly got out of hand. He was drinking every day. He would drink on the job he would drink in the car. He would always drinking at some point in the day and he would always drink to get drunk. It affected our relationship heavily. After my son was born it got worse if you can even imagine that. He would leave and not tell me where he was going. He'd get wasted and sleep in his car or wherever he passed out. He would puke and id have to clean it up and then we started fighting all the time. We never slept in the same bed and our sex life was dead. I couldn't have sex with him i felt like he could only find me attractive when he was drunk. I stuck with him till my son was 3 and then we separated. I moved from ny to sc. So about 900 miles away with our child. He was respectful and sent me money and took care of his responsibilities to his son. We made it as far as talking to a lawyer. We decided after about two.years to try again. He was still drinking but no where near as before. We did get back together and i got pregnant with our daughter. That was when he stopped drinking all together. I share my story to give you hope it can get better. But he has to admit it and want to change it. No amount of talking and fighting will change him till he's ready to change it. I think the thing that started the change was our children and me leaving and then returning to the church finished it out for us. We will be married 18 years this year and together for 26 and we now have 6 children. Don't stop encouraging him and talking to him but understand sometimes drastic measure do have to be taken and the change has to start in him. I will pray for your family! Stay strong and above all your priority is the safety and well being of your child and yourself

Answer

When he says youre being dramatic, offer to go to a 3rd party professional together. He can pick who. It can be a therapist, male or female of his choosing, your pastor etc. Tell him if that person says youre being dramatic and he has no problem, then youll be open to hearing that. You and I both know thats not going to be the case.

Answer

He needs help and that isn't.a.way to raise a child. Plus you don't know how he will react drunk around a baby. You say he gets agressive and even if he has never even remotely gotten close to putting you in danger doesn't mean he doesn't lose his cool drunk when the baby has a night of screaming and can't be calmed down. Or in a drunken state he trips and falls ob the baby or into a crib or is just too rough without meaning to and injures the baby. You're right it is horrible for his health snd is gonna shorten his life which means his kid could be fatherless real early in life which isn't fair. Functioning alcoholic is still and alcoholic and I know you have said you dont wanna leave him but you may have to to give him a wake up call while also being a good mom. He doesn't think he has a problem and probably won't until he hita rock bottom and can bo longer justify things in his mind...because that is what people with issues do in denial is find any reason to give themselves a pass on having an issue. I'd have 1 serious sit down talk with him...if he has a close family member or friend that can be there that also sees the issue that may help as it shows it isn't just you. But have 1 talk where you lay it out and tell him the options are seek help today or you're gone, and stick to it. He will hit some sort of rock bottom and thats one he can fix. Death, liver failure, major mistake or accident that hurts someone else he might not come back from. As sad as it is to say love isn't always enough and you're about to be a mom. You can love him but doesn't mean you sit by and watch him drink himself into a grave while your chikd watches. You deserve better and more importantly your child deserves better. You said you have alcoholic issues in your family...you know how damaging it can be so please don't let your child grow up with that. I can 100% guarantee the love for your child will be stronger and sometimes leaving is needed. Staying and watching it haopen is as good as enabling as he knows he can do whatever and you'll be there. Be strong tey 1 serious talk and if he won't seek help you need to leave. Even a non violent drunk us not safe to have a baby let alone a newborn around. Sometimes it hurts a lot to do the right thing but you can't live like that and literally neither can he.

Answer

If you’ve tried multiple times to communicate this to him while he was sober then I’d say it’s time to give him an ultimatum - he can either get counseling/AA/get sober or you leave so you can raise your baby in a healthy, safe environment

Answer

Hey there sending you a hug. Sounds like he hasn't hit rock bottom. He might not for a while. Biggest help I can offer is go to ALANON meetings for you. They will give you resources and tools. You and this baby deserve him sober. He's not the problem the addiction is and he needs help with it. Sending you a prayer.

What to do about SO drinking problem?

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