Honestly, I wish it would have been cheating..

Sorry, I know this is rough for those who have been cheated on, but context is coming, I promise.

I met my ex when I was 21, he was 36. He had an ex and 3 kids. He's a very good talker and manipulator. We met, we basically instantly lived together, we were living on a high, for sure. I allowed him to take the lead in our life. And he absolutely abused that power.

I had been saving for a house since I was 9yo. My mom had drained some of that money away, but I had moved out and had a jobs and I was saving tremendous amounts of money on my account. Because my goal was to own a house and get a family and a dog and maybe hopefully a horse, that's where my goals were when I was 15-21.

When I met him, all of it was gone within the first 6 months, we moved in together and he had kids so I had chosen for his kids and his kids needed xyz and abc and what else.. and we needed furniture etc. he sweet talked everything and manipulated everything and I was led to believe that this self sacrifice was normal. From the moment he layed eyes on my finances, I was living on my last 2 cents every month. So much so that I would hide money regularly just to pay for bread at the end of the month.

From the moment we moved in together, I later realized, I wasn't allowed to be a person anymore, I wasn't allowed to have my own friends, I wasn't allowed to have my own time spendings, and I certainly didn't have the money for any private time spendings because "parents sacrifice, and you've chosen for me and my kids and so you're a parent now" I remember bringing it up like I wanted to do something and I should have the finances to do it because I make enough money but he basically declined.

I also wanted to take some courses, maybe get a degree in something while I was working, because due to the abuse I suffered in my parental home, I moved out when I was still in high school and I finished it but I didn't pass my final exam because I was sick and missed school and wasn't allowed to take these exams later.

So that was still a goal and he convinced me that it wasn't necessary because I had a good paying job and by the way, he needed my help with the kids and in the home when I wasn't working. When I did take some online courses he'd be nagging me the entire time and didn't allow me to focus on my course.

We also went through a time where he'd go partying while I took care of his kids, or he'd spend the night with his friend while it was our weekend. Noww I love his kids and we have a great bond, but it was a lot of responsibility for a 21yo to be taking care of 3 kids half of the time that weren't mine, AND paying for everything, that really wasn't right.

He did claim he had thesame family goals I had but I feel he wasn't doing anything to achieve those goals, in contrary, I feel he was actively sabotaging.

He stuck me up with several loans to pay for his kids because "if my ex claims unpaid this or that they will come and take everything away, you will pay too so it's better to avoid, so it's better that you take this or that loan" Like.. now I know better and it doesn't go that fast but he had me all, like I was young and dumb and I genuinely wanted to believe he, the man I loved, wanted the best for me and for us as a couple.

It took for us to have a kid that woke me up.. I have nothing to give my kid. His kids always come first, which is because their mom has been convincing those kids that we are replacing them with our child and we wouldn't love them anymore and our kid will always come first. So the kids were on the lookout. Every time our kid got anything were it be new (thrift, because I never buy new for my kid) clothes, or a toy that was gifted from someone else or anything.. Like these kids were teens and whenever they visited they would first investigate our garbage, our fridge our toy cabinet and my kid's clothing cabinet, absolutely insane. I do blame their mom for that because they did not deserve to feel the need to check all that. They deserved to feel loved, because they absolutely were - and still are.

So I wanted to start to save, I definitely have the income to save money, lots of it too, but somehow it just was never working because of him.

I am living on my own now and I feel peaceful. I see progress, I see possibility, I see range that I'll be able to save money, I just dropped the entire dead weight of a controlling partner.

I have lived 10 years of my life, funding 4-6 (if you include the kids' mother and her boyfriend) people's lives and it left me with nothing but loans. I lived that 10 years in constant stress, in uncomfortableness, and I'm not even mentioning his temper here, like you're living with an untrained feral pittbull ready to go to war with everything that didn't go his way. I lived at least 5 years trying to deny that he's ruining me, because I couldn't accept that someone would do that to another. It cost me my future, my own prospects. and those of my son. That hurts the most. My ex takes huge pride in the fact that he never cheated, like it's the only bad thing that can happen in a relationship but takes absolutely no accountability for everything he's done.

So yeah, sometimes, when he says things like "don't make it sound like i cheated 🙄" or "I never cheated on you so it wasn't all that bad" I kinda feel like.. if only you cheated, like if that would have been the only thing.. he would have cost me my time, and the time I need to recover emotionally. But this guy has cost me everything.

He cost me my friendships. He cost me my financial stability. He cost me emotionally. He cost my son a financially and emotionally stable home. He cost me my professional prospects. He cost me my future.

I am 30 and considering the loans I am still paying off, I will never own my own house. Can you imagine what that feels like, knowing that I was saving for my own house and financial stability when I was 9yo?

Yes, I will agree, that this is my fault and I shouldn't have allowed him to influence me to that extent. But I was also a tween relying on my life partner with much more experience expecting he'd only do good for me, because that's what you do in a relationship.

I'm honestly glad he didn't get me to quit my job and be a sahm.. he had been pestering me about that for years, even before we had a child together. I refused because we were barely getting by with a full-time job each.

@Kim

He didn't co-sign because he was still on the loan for his mortgage and an older car. He wasn't approved for any loans.

Over the course of 10 years I bought 2 cars (I don't drive, which is his reason why I had no say and his decision stood), I took a loan for his child support several times, I loaned for summer activities even, well technically he'd take the kids out for an expensive activity and then there was no money left for food or child support. I loaned for the sofa, I loaned for boarding school for his eldest and I loaned because my account was too much in the red.. and then he put it way back in the red by buying an expensive tv and sound system set. I think all the loans combined would be at least 70 000€, I am still paying off about 20 000€ currently. He's wanting me to pay a part of a loan he took when we were pregnant. He took a 50 000 € loan, of which 20000 was for our car (we were about to have 4 kids in a 5-people car, that was impossible, we did need that bigger car) and he wanted 30 000€ to dangle in front of his ex's face. Which I absolutely didn't agree with and told him that. Now he wants me to help him pay for it and i told him I would to keep things civil but we'll have an other conversation about it.