Guilt and Happiness

It's been a little over a year. It hurts to know my baby isn't with me. I redownloaded this app because I found out today that I'm pregnant again. I've been wanting another baby since I lost my last one due to Anencephaly, but something out there knew I wasn't ready. And here I am now.

I'm excited to be having a new little one on the way. Growing a baby is my favorite thing in the world. Feeling the little growing pains no one tells you happens, flutters in my stomach, feeling my precious baby moving, hearing the heartbeat, and seeing it in the ultrasounds. All of it's amazing even though I'm already getting 24/7 sickness again at 4 weeks. I love it all.

I'm struggling a little. I'm struggling with feeling completely happy because I feel guilty. How fair is it that this baby may get to grow and have a good life when I couldn't carry my Nolan (My little Anencephaly angel)? I don't know if this is something normal or if this is what I get for leaving my baby. I don't know what to do, but I'm scared I'm stressing myself out too much. I don't wanna lose this baby either. What do I do?